Does this poem make you think?
you sit and watch from a dark car window
look at her clothes
her hair
her eyes
her smile
her friends
her life
so much better than yours
it seems she's got it all
watch her laugh
the center of attention
all you can do is stare longingly
and hate her hair
because it's not yours
hate her eyes
because they're not yours
hate her smile
because it's not yours
hate her friends
because they're not yours
hate her
because you're not her
and you can't be
feell envy rise like a tsunami
like a bird
a fleeing soul
look at the mirror
at your lifeless eyes
and they're green
green and changing
transformed and deformed
you're not suprised
because you know
jealousy is a green-eyed monster.
Comments
Not really.
It's not subtle, and it's directness doesn't really help it. I don't simply mean that the idea/topic is overused [because it is], but the way you express it and the writing are too.
If you can inject some personality into your poem, your own perspective and experience, and bring something new, the topic wouldn't matter as much. Keep at it, though, if it's something you enjoy doing. Practice makes perfect, after all.
The only part that tripped me up was:
"and you can't be
feell envy rise like a tsunami
like a bird"
Those first two lines could actually go together, even though they're not supposed to. "Feell" should be "feel."
Also, you could just omit "like a bird." It doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Birds are too gentle to go with what you are intending to say. Hope that helps!
Overall, great poem.
It shows you the nature of some greedy and jealous people. Very good poem. Love it
Yeah it's kind of a lot how I think when I see people that are better than me.
haha I love it!
whoah that was like so awesome and yeah it definitely makes me think can you please answer my question? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200910...
very good ^.-