Does this poem make you think?

you sit and watch from a dark car window

look at her clothes

her hair

her eyes

her smile

her friends

her life

so much better than yours

it seems she's got it all

watch her laugh

the center of attention

all you can do is stare longingly

and hate her hair

because it's not yours

hate her eyes

because they're not yours

hate her smile

because it's not yours

hate her friends

because they're not yours

hate her

because you're not her

and you can't be

feell envy rise like a tsunami

like a bird

a fleeing soul

look at the mirror

at your lifeless eyes

and they're green

green and changing

transformed and deformed

you're not suprised

because you know

jealousy is a green-eyed monster.

Comments

  • Not really.

    It's not subtle, and it's directness doesn't really help it. I don't simply mean that the idea/topic is overused [because it is], but the way you express it and the writing are too.

    If you can inject some personality into your poem, your own perspective and experience, and bring something new, the topic wouldn't matter as much. Keep at it, though, if it's something you enjoy doing. Practice makes perfect, after all.

  • The only part that tripped me up was:

    "and you can't be

    feell envy rise like a tsunami

    like a bird"

    Those first two lines could actually go together, even though they're not supposed to. "Feell" should be "feel."

    Also, you could just omit "like a bird." It doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. Birds are too gentle to go with what you are intending to say. Hope that helps!

    Overall, great poem. :)

  • It shows you the nature of some greedy and jealous people. Very good poem. Love it

  • Yeah it's kind of a lot how I think when I see people that are better than me.

  • haha I love it!

  • whoah that was like so awesome and yeah it definitely makes me think can you please answer my question? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=200910...

  • very good ^.-

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