please criticize my poem?
There’s so much fog these days
It wraps around faintly,
and muffles sound, thought.
When you breathe my name,
clouds of mist gently billow in,
envelope me frostily –
lips and cheeks red, hair wet and freezing
locks together.
Shivering, wet, a bit blue-cold bare
and lost in silent, silencing fog.
Sometimes I see a small flash-light beam,
a dull beam and a murmur of longing,
and I think you might be searching
for what you lost in the haze,
searching for days with the intention
of warming me up again.
Comments
"these days" can be eliminated, makes it sound informal
"and freezing" can be moved down to the line with "locks together", flows better
im not sure if it's just my ignorance but what is a "bit blue-cold bare"? doesn't make any sense to me
you cant be lost in silent, it should be "silence", probably better to just eliminate silent due to repetition and go with "and lost in silencing fog"
i would eliminate the word flash-light and just go with "a small beam of light", the diction throughout the poem was more abstract nature-y and to suddenly introduce this made made piece of machinery seems strange. also take out dull beam, its the same basically as saying i see a small beam. though dull is better maybe keep that.
you cant see "a murmur of longing", change to "sometimes i see a dull beam of light, and hear a murmur of longing".
"i think" is kind of generic and doesn't really capture your feeling of hopeful optimism of him searching for you again. maybe something like "i imagine"
overall i liked your poem, just minor issues i think could make the poem a lot clearer and descriptive. i like the metaphor of the haze being the confusion that surrounds both people when in a relationship, and how through this confusion people tend to drift apart and cannot see eye to eye with each other, leading to a feeling of coldness and isolation.
feel free to tell me what you think of my criticism if you want. you can reach me at [email protected].
i like the second verse but the rythem and use of literary device arent very good in the first verse. ryming always helps. or if your going for a slow rythem(which i dont like) for whatever reason use bigger word and things like personfication and similies.