Critique this poem?
i'm fourteen and i would like opinions on this poem i just wrote. (Keep in mind this was completed in ten minutes) Critique please!
i look in the mirror
but i dont see me
i see loneliness
could that be me
i look through the window
but i don't see you
i see the pain
you put me through
i look back in the mirror
and i understand
my heart is on the witness stand
my mind questions
my heart defends
locked in jail
cannot escape
no regaining innocence
for its a bit too late
my bodies at a civil war
over this love,
i had to fight for
(for some reason my capital i button isn't working, lol!)
Update:oh and by the way, there is no standard for the amount of time that a project needs to be worked on in order for it to be critiqued. the whole idea of this is to get opinions on the CONTENT of my work, and should not be judged SOLELY by the amount of time it took for completion. does it play a role? most certainly. but it shouldn't take long to complete a poem like this, especially, for it is merely a translation of thoughts to written words and shouldn't require too much effort.(:
Comments
It's good. The timing seems a little off, and the rhyming feels to me a little inconsistent. Also, the "me" "me" and the "stand" "stand" seem a little repetitive, but that just might be me. I really like the lines "locked in jail cannot escape no regaining innocence." I think those lines really create a powerful feeling for the reader.
The amount of time spent writing a poem is irrelevant, as you could have been thinking about it for months!
This poem could benefit from a Title.
Better:
"For it's a bit too late -
my body's in a civil war"
You run out of steam with the mirror/pane motif, so you move onto a court room theme, which then runs dry, so you adopt a martial tone. It would have been far stronger to have stuck to the mirror theme from start to finish.
I like it. It really hits many aspects in life. Also, you drive home the constant struggle between the heart and mind very well. Good job
That's a good one sunny bunny! call it "Trials of my heart"
I like it! I have been through this experience also.