Does this poem seem childesh?
i look at you and wonder
if your really there
i wonder how you smile and laugh
as if you didnt care
the end is coming closer
i know you fear the truth
maybe if you hide your pain
youll hold on to your youth
our minds are lost
they are stranded
our hearts arent in love
they are branded
weve been rejected
weve been used
we just live to hate
we are just confused
swollow me my lonely freind and tell me how i taste
all the love you had for me my bitterness erased
only when you are alone
can you see what you have become
no distractions giving you the illusion of happiness
so much that could have been done
but the laziness is bred in us
we wont change a thing
we cant clean this mess weve made
just push away the blame
Update:Well the mispellings are obvious, besides those does it seem silly?
Comments
i try not to answer poetry questions that need a critique because im not an expert. although i honestly enjoyed the message behind the poem it started on a different rhyme pattern at "swallow me...." but after that it went back to the normal rhyme pattern so it could use a little revision but everything can improve. as for the poem itself i personally liked it. i don't think its childish any feelings are significant, and you chose to write about this so it makes it important. keep writing its what makes you better.
Here's a few tips to improve it.
Change the "if your really there" to "If you're really there"
and all the "weve"s to "we've"s
swollow to swallow
freind to friend
i love it