How do I tell my girlfriend I'm a crossdresser?
I know everyone has secrets and everyone has problems— but I always feel like I’m getting dealt bad hands.
The Backstory:
September 6th 2009—Freshman Year of College. At this point in my life, I’ve never kissed a girl. I’ve never drank alcohol. I was a loser—but I expected great new things. High school was a disaster— I was medically depressed since Sophmore year and pretty much lost all my friends because they didn’t know how to deal with it. Music and running kept me going.
September 7th 2010—Sophomore Year of College. Everything changed. Life felt reborn. I think we all know where this is going. I met a girl, and to this day she remains the most important thing in my life.
Don’t get me wrong—I’m realistic. This relationship could last five days or five years. I don’t know. What I do know is we’ve been together for a year. She’s amazing. I feel comfortable with her. I never have to think about what to say or how to say it. She’s my river and I’m along for the ride. Sure, she’s got rapids but we get through them. She’s awesome. Pure and simple.
The facts:
[*] 20 y/o Straight male
[*] Closeted cross dresser (who’s not interested in making this public)
[*] I have sex with my girlfriend and I love it.
Note: The back-story part was mostly to throw off the ignorant, lazy, self-minded people whose greatest contribution to my question would be: “you’re a fag and like it up the bum.” So keep reading! It’s almost done.
The problem:
Okay, here's where I want to be clear. I’m not worried about my girlfriend dumping me. If I told her I was a crossdresser, she would definitely accept it. (Not really 100% on this one—but pretty damn close haha) The things I am worried about are the following:
1. How awkward is it going to be? Will she never look at me the same way again? Is that enough to keep it a secret?
2. Will she tell any of her friends? Will she tell her family? Is this a good reason to hide it?
These are the only two things I see being an issue. Mainly, I don’t want her telling her friends. I know her, and I’m not sure if she’s capable of handling something like this on her own. I’m obviously there to help, but she likes to talk.
Pros: She has a lot of gay friends—maybe she’ll understand?
Cons: She tends to always laugh at transvestites and drag queens when they’re on TV. Not judge, but laugh. I’ve never talked about it, but she could assume they’re all gay.
Questions:
What do I do?
How long can I keep this from her?
What's moral!!!!?!?!?!?!
Thank you for reading this. Respond if you want.
PS. I'm very passable as a girl. I'm hoping this helps my situation. Also, I want to kind of clarify who I am, because I know this is a confusing subject. For one, I'm not transgendered. I could never live as a woman and never will want to. Secondly, I am a crossdresser not a pervert. I don't generalize women and wear sterotypical, slutty clothes....or wear my sisters panties and bra and post them on the internet....That's just nasty. I'm civilized, classy, and completely embarrassed about my hobby. However, I buy my own clothes and do it discretely at home. Yes, it's sexual, but I can control it.
FML.
Comments
Well, most girls are uncomfortable with a cross-dressing boyfriend. The questions run through her mind, Like: Is he gay? Is he a transsexual? Do I have to worry about him using my things? Does he want me to treat him as a girl? Is this out of control? Will I be his second love. Will he love himself as a female more than he loves me?
You need to explain to her that you are a normal, healthy, heterosexual male with one little kink hard wired in your brain. When you feminize yourself your brain responds by releasing dopamine and other neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters produce sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification and self-identity. Its just as if your brain interprets cross-dressing as actual contact with a female. You get excited, stimulated, and aroused. It affects the reward centers of your brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response.
Most guys like yourself consider their condition a problem. They are heterosexuals and they want a girlfriend, and they want to get married someday. So they limit their cross-dressing and keep it private. They keep it under control. That's it. Simple. You tell your girlfriend that cross-dressing makes you happy, but you are not crazy and you keep it under control. You do not want to do anything that would make her uncomfortable. So let her examine her tolerances. She then sets the limits to your cross-dressing based upon her tolerances. You will do your best to live within her limits, and you will make suggestions for her consideration. If you cannot live with her limits then that's when you have a problem.
Yes, you do need limits. You have already set some. (e.g. Keep it private, nothing slutty, nothing nasty, you don't create a female alter-ego, keep it in good taste.) Besides the way this fetish works: You really don't love the feminine clothing. You love the neurotransmitters and you are just using cross-dressing as the tool to get your brain to release them. Also, you will notice that if you just do the same thing over and over, your brain will fatigue and release less neurotransmitters. That's when you try to go further and take greater risks, just pump up the dopamine release. You have to stop that - that's why you need limits.
Morally, cross-dressing is not a problem in itself. However there are side issues. Addictions are wrong and to be avoided. Realize that this is just a fetish that releases dopamine, and while it makes you happy, you are not to use it as a substitute for your need for human intimacy. Your love for your partner should be greater than your love of cross-dressing. You are NOT supposed to be in love with yourself as a female