My final day poem. comments?
I think of lines I'd like to try
For that day that I will die
I'd like to say them from a cloud
As I wear that final shroud
We all do know that day will come
That we'll lie down, our days are down
We'll see our life before our eyes
We'll shed a tear, and then some cries
I always wondered how I'll be
For that day, that he calls me
Am I ready for my fate
As it draws near, I want to wait
I'll look around and try to see
Who's really there, and there for me
Cause all my life, I have had friends
Lets see who comes, as my life ends
I'll close my eyes, my final breath
My body warms, I feel my death
Well be it lights, or be it black
No matter what, I wont be back
Comments
That is a good, deep, thoughtful poem. I really liked it, it must have taken you forever to write!
i like the subject material and there are few tremendously sturdy strains. different than that, it desires some artwork. i've got suggested this in different posts, yet i will say it returned: have somebody examine this to you out loud, do no longer perfect them, in simple terms enable them to verify without interuption and take notes. you will hear the puzzling spots, the place the beat is off, the rhyme sounds compelled, the place there are too many beats, the place the word chosen does not relatively artwork, and so on. additionally, you neglected a golden possibility for alliteration and thesis/anti-thesis on the top...attempt: "be it vivid or be it black" (as in "vivid mild on the top of a tunnel). In any adventure, that final line coupled with this one is the payoff and it relatively works tremendously plenty. pay attention for "for that day, that he calls me"...that is susceptible...comparable is going for "we shed some tears and then some cries"...what's the version? extra useful to declare, "we had some laughes and shared some cries" besides, hear and you gets extra modifying concepts than you ever dreamed of. sturdy success and don't be afraid to submit the revision, i might choose to work out it.
Pretty good. Not my kind of poetry, kind of redundant at times, depressing. I believe you have potential though........keep going!