Is this poem I wrote good?
I wrote this earlier this year. Is it good at all? Is there any way I could improve it?
Loneliness
Wandering through your own mind,
taking the time to sift through memories.
The good and the bad.
Some you wish you could forget.
But you linger on them still.
It's like a vortex,
Pulling you further,
and further,
and further.
Eventually you disappear.
The lights go out.
Your in the place where embarrassment dwells.
Where shame thrives.
Where hope is all but a memory.
But that's all you need to pull yourself out.
You remember the good times.
Family and friend's support and love,
your first piano recital,
Visits with grandma,
the first day of school.
You pull yourself out of the black sludge of loneliness,
and into the warm embrace of friends.
Comments
Eh...very average. A lot of people can relate, I'm sure.
Not bad.
However with some minor editing, a couple of extra line breaks and choruses it would be a good set of song lyrics.
(first)
Wandering through my mind,
taking the time,
to sift through memories.
The good and the bad.
Some you wish you could forget.
But you linger on them still.
(chorus)
It's like a vortex,
Pulling you further,
and further,
and further.
Eventually you disappear.
(second)
The lights go out.
You're where embarrassment dwells.
Where shame thrives.
Where hope is,
all but a memory.
But that's all you need.
(chorus)
It's like a vortex,
Pulling you further,
and further,
and further.
Eventually you disappear.
(third)
Remember the good times.
Family and friend's,
support and love,
your first piano recital,
Visits with grandma,
the first day of school.
(chorus)
It's like a vortex,
Pulling you further,
and further,
and further.
Eventually you disappear.
(fourth)
You pull yourself out,
and into the warm,
embrace of your friends.
You pull,
out of loneliness,
(chorus)
It's like a vortex,
Pulling you further,
and further,
and further.
Eventually you disappear.
OK. So I messed it up a bit, especially verse 4, but I think you get the idea and make it right if you want to.
yes a very nice poem. Poetry is very hard to evaluate since it literally comes from the heart and soul of the poet. Poetry does not follow the strict rules of grammar. If it has a message and the reader understands the message (in some cases just emotion) then it is a good poem. Your poem is very carefully constructed to communicate feelings, memory, events etc I like it very much.
i like it. there are things I would definitely change about it, but thats just me. for instance i would make it rhyme. but maybe you dont want it to rhyme, so dont, because poetry is whatever you make it, rhyming or not, or whatever else goes into poems.
there are certain lines here and there that i would take a few words out of just to make it less like a paragraph and more...idk raw? or emotional?
Ex: wandering through your mind-- here could be wandering through your/your own/my
sifting through memories
good and bad
wishing to forget
but they linger still.....
anyways, the only reason im going on like this is because i love poetry and want to help but please dont feel like you need to change your poem if you dont want to because i do like it the way it is, i suppose i just kind of put my own touch into it in the example
lovely poem with individual beautiful lines such as'where shame thrives' ,'your first piano recital' and 'where hope is all but a memory'. i loved to read your poem. thanks for posting. write more. you have got something to say. good luck.
I think it's great. It's long an meaningful. But who's opinion really matters is yours. But I really like it!