How do you deal with nosy, judgmental family?
It's not even my family...it's my boyfriend's. We're both Asian Americans and our parents, grandparents (obviously) have a more narrow-minded, judgmental mentality. So, there's this emphasis on education, career, and money. By age 23, you should graduate from a university and have a lucrative career, by 25-26, you should be thinking of getting married and having kids. If somehow you're not within this timeline, they really worry about you...even though it's not a problem. it Luckily, my parents understood me and stopped putting pressure on me.
I have been trying for years to get into nursing school and about 2 years ago, I made the LPN program (licensed practical nurse), it's a step below an RN. RN was always my goal (more work opportunities) so after graduation I was planning to apply for something called a "bridge program" that goes from LPN-RN. I did research on schools and the trend was that they took their own students to their own bridge program and outside students competed with 2-3 spots. In my state, LPN jobs are very few, as my director told me they were phasing out this career. I couldn't go back to my old nursing assistant job bc of my new degree, so I was let go of my old job. So jobs were also difficult and for the past few months, I've been applying and still am. My boyfriend's family (specifically his grandma) just doesn't get it. My nursing colleagues tell me to not even bother explaining bc they won't understand. Every time we see her, I always get this lecture from her about it. I know she does this because she cares, loves me, sees her as her own grandchild but it's getting so ANNOYING. His mother is already acting like a "monster in law" so most of the content discussed between my boyfriend's grandmother and I is partly coming from his mom (since the mom and grandma gossip all the time). I feel SO much pressure. I have been going to meetings with the director of my old school bc they JUST recently started their own bridge program and it's a WHOLE 'nother process - more entrance exams, to see if classes expire or not, more works hours, etc... it's always changing, there's always new requirements... His grandma just doesn't get it and always has to give me this talk. I'm already feeling pressure bc I have been impatient myself. It doesn't help that she uses Asian guilt, saying how my mother wants me to do well based on their conversations but in truth, my mother knows, as she's a veteran nurse herself, who works with students. My boyfriend graduated and has a "lucrative career" and she's always talking about "ooh big pay check". I hate when she uses that in her arguments too - "the working, rich boyfriend with the unemployed, old girlfriend who's still in school". The boyfriend just tells me to be "strong" every time but this annoys me more bc he doesn't get it...
Update:This is more towards my boyfriend's family. My mom and dad respect me as an adult and my decisions.
Comments
Well, unfortunately, there isn't a perfect answer. As you probably already know, there is nothing you can say that will magically cause everyone to stop pressuring you. So set your sights lower. Aim for getting them to harass you less.
Your boyfriend should be supporting you in dealing with his family. He should be the one to be telling them to give you a break. Or, if he feels he can't do that, he at least needs to come over and rescue you when people start getting negative. If they won't stop, he needs to be willing to leave a gathering early so that you don't have to put up with this.
So talk to your boyfriend and tell him you need help dealing with his family. If he won't help, then reconsider your relationship. It would not be a good idea to stay with a man who won't support you. There will be many difficult situations throughout your life when it will be important to have a supportive partner.
Do feel free to say, "I'm working on it" and then change the subject. This is OK. If this is hurtful, you need to stop worrying. You're not responsible for people getting hurt when they are too intrusive. If these people live in the US, then they need to be respectful of your culture too. Even though you are Asian, you have adapted.
Your parents or any family's members are allowed and entitled to their views, opinions, and ideas of how they see things getting done; however, if it is bothering you, let them know this and remain calm: "Mom and Dad, I love you. You brought me into this world and have raised me to be a great son/daughter. I know you don't wanna see me not make it, but rest assure I am going to make it, but at my own pace. This isn't a race to beat anyone nor is it even a contest of who is the better child. All I want is for you both to continue to love me and show me the same respect, care, and love you have always shown me." Remember, this is an example of what to say to your parents or any parent when they feel you should hurry up with your life. P.S: One more to add onto that last quoted statement: "If you both can't appreicate what I do now, please don't show apprecitation later when I get to where I wanna be."
It might help to remind them that registered nurses make very good money, because their training is very scientific and difficult. It's the top level of the nursing profession.
Maybe they have an old-fashioned view of nursing, when all it involved was changing linens and emptying bedpans.
Maybe you should distance yourself from them but not that much, because as everyone says, they are your parents and you should respect them.Maybe try living far, or from a different state.