Why Is My Self Esteem So Low?
I started cuttin' at age fourteen. I had been doin forms of slef harm at age thriteen. ( I.e hair pullin, scartching at my skin, bittin myself.) I'm seventeen now and I havnt' cut for a year. But lately its been hard to not do it.
I've had more down days than good. I have such low self esteam its crazy! I mean I look in the mirrour and it's taken me years to even see that I'm even cute. It used to be so bad I'd cry form lookin at myself. But now I look in the mirrour and I just see this horrible girl. I don't see what others are tellin me. I see this plain jane girl, who ***** up everything. Who's own apretns dind't want her or refuss to even try to raise her. Who gives everything they have into things but only gets nothing in return or doesn't get noticed. I see this dumb person from way back ing rade school--the "sped kid"--who everyone picked on on the playground. The fat girl everyone called ugly and worthless in middle school. The "slut" from her freshman year. I don't see any of the good things people tell me I have.
I know I self harm--or rather I WANT to self harm badly ( so bad that it makes my whole body go numb. I can't feel my arms some times!) because of low self esteam but the problem is when I tell people this is the reason. I HATE myself they tell me " Your life is to good to hate yourself. What's been so hard on you? "
I know my life is good. I have good friends, family, boyfriend, and I guess school is okay. But I don't know why my self esteam is so low. I hate it. I mean I want to cut myself so bad but I don't even have reason to do so. I feel horrible because I know theres real people out there with REAL reason to harm themselves and here I am sittin in my my warm room wantin to take this razor I hide in my closet years ago down and cut my legs up.
I just want to know why I have low self esteam? Why do I have it so badly that I feel the need to hurt myself?!
Update:The feelin and need t self harm got wrose this year when my younger sister got into drugs and aprtin eal bad and when m boyfriend run ovr and went through a ei depression phase thing ( it was trama from the wreck) and blew me off countless time after I spent all that time worring bout him. ( But it's okay. We're better now and all that is made up for. )
Comments
sounds like a cliche but, you really gotta find the bright side of life, you won't find that through drugs or self harming, try sports, or gaming maybe, i watch a lot of movies and i'm one of the most amazing modest mofo's out there. plus i listen to comedians and watch weird comedy movies. you should check out some feel good movies, like 50/50 or mr. Deeds, stay away from most of adam sanders ****, cause the cracker is retarded.