Is this a good paragraph?
i wrote a paragraph trying to capture these couples relationship. It's a fantasy story so she has the power to control water. This is the paragraph-
We were on the beach. His cool breath tickled my neck. I smiled. His lips ran up my neck and found my mouth. I held the back of his neck pushing him to me. I heard him chuckle through it. My eyes closed. His mouth found my ear and whispered softly. “I love you.” I gripped him tighter. His brown eyes looked straight into mine. Passionate. Love. Understanding. It all passed between us that moment. I kissed again on his lips. His wet lips touching me. I felt water on my head. I looked up as it started to rain. I laughed care free. I focused my powers and then grinned widely. My hair was soaked. His lips found mine again and his wet face was pressed against mine. No more rain hit us. I made it go around us. We sat in the dead of night kissing. Could it get any more romantic?
is it good? i worked pretty hard on it...
Comments
It is definitely a great draft....
It needs improvement, however. For example, in a love scene such as this, the male is (most likely) not going to laugh/chuckle.
The line "I kissed again on his lips" is not great. It should say "I kissed him again on his lips."
The last line..... get rid of it
When it says "Passionate. Love. Understanding" it sounds weird. Change it to "Passion. Love. Understanding" so that they are all nouns.
Now, I would suggest you pretend you are the girl. Is that really what you would be feeling then? This needs to be a very personal scene.
I would suggest you rewrite it, and then ask again. Get new opinions about the "second draft".
I hope I helped.
(BTW I know I was pretty critical, but it is good. I just think that, with work, it could be VERY good)
It's definitely a romantic scene, but the paragraph has some problems.
You start too many sentences with the word, "I." I smiled, I heard him chuckle, I kissed again on his lips, I felt water on my head. Try to change things around a bit. When writing in 1st person (from an "I" point of view), you don't have to always say "I felt" or "I saw," you can just say what happened.
I think you also need to describe things a bit more. Instead of "We were on the beach," you could have something like, "We sat and pushed our toes into the sand side by side. Over his shoulder, I could see the waves crashing against the sand. His cool breath (why is it cool?) tickled my neck, bringing a smile to my lips. My eyes slipped closed as his lips found my ear. "I love you," he whispered."
That shows they are on the beach and gives some description without breaking up the flow of the romance. A good rule of thumb when writing is to follow three basic steps: action, response, reaction. Start with what happens or what is seen: He kissed my neck. Then show the immediate emotional or physical response: Goose-bumps formed on my arms and I smiled. Then give the conscious reaction: My arms wound more tightly about his shoulders and I brought my lips to his.
Hope that helps some. Keep writing!
The first half is REALLY good! Great description of the kissing without too much of the sentimentality bogging it down. You've written that part in such a way that I can put myself in her place and really imagine it. I got a thrill of excitement while reading it, and that doesn't happen often with Y!Answers "is this good?" questions. Excellent job.
"His lips found mine again" is a repeat of what you said earlier in "his lips found my mouth" and "his mouth found my ear" - his mouth is "finding" too many things, and that third time is when I noticed the repetition and it felt awkward and overused.
I was confused as to what her powers were doing when she said "I focused my powers and then grinned." I expected the next sentence to tell me what her powers did, but I wasn't given the explanation I expected... I was thinking: "She used her powers, and then her hair was soaked... did she make her hair soaked with her powers?" It wasn't explained for 3 more sentences. Maybe have her focus her powers, and then have the rain move immediately, so we know what's going on.
I say work a little more on the second half, but leave the first half alone - the first half is EXCELLENT!
I agree with Ask Mr.T. It doesn't really blend with the story. I mean obviously this isn't the FIRST paragraph so as long as you have a lot of detail about her power before this then I guess it could work. Right now it just feels kind of random. Just edit around a bit add more detail and you could end up with something great:) great writing skills and GOOD LUCK!
The first part is really good(as it is full of romance). But the fantasy part of controlling water doesn't blend well with this paragraph.
This is my opinion. Maybe others like it. Don't get disheartened.
I liked it. Its pretty good.
But I think I seen a few little grammar,and punctuation,errors.
like for instance: Passionate. Love. Understanding.
it should be something like this: Passionate, love, and understanding.
other than that it was really good.
An essay NEVER jumps time. If it is an exposition or illustrative it MUST move smoothly through time or it will be incomplete. To do an essay properly you have to account for any and all time lapses.
I don't feel it.
It's too much "this happens, that happens".
Get into describing the setting more to get some more feeling in the paragraph.
Get rid of "Could it get any more romantic?" and think of something clever.
Very good. It really sounds like something out of a romance novel. Maybe you should use his name instead of "him" all the time. But otherwise, well done!
very romantic! i like it alot! like a sexy sence! lol