Is This a Good Paragraph?
Okay, I'm writing a fanfiction (I changed some stuff though so I wasn't made fun of) and I want to know if this is well written. I don't want any 'Eww, teacher/student!!!' I want constructive criticism and critiquing. Thanks. If you really wanna know the fanfic then you can email me at [email protected] and I email back when it's ready. ._. thanks again.
The small girl, barely a girl though…but not a woman, lie in the middle of His considerably sized bed and, without fault, begged him to come closer. She was as old as all the other 10th graders but to him she seemed so much older; so much more mature and he knew that wouldn’t help in an argument with the Bosses. He couldn’t give a rat’s-*** at the moment though he wanted to feel power greater than in a classroom with those bloody children. He wanted the power of overpowering someone greater than he, and she, this young woman, was it.
Comments
Hmm...I saw you write Bleach fanfiction. Is this for it?
The paragraph needs more descriptive words.
Not always, but people tend to write about what is closest to them. If you have fantasies about over-powering children sexually, you have a serious psychological problem, possibly pedophilia.