Is this paranoia......?
Or just horrible insecurity?
Personally though, I do have a lot of self confidence... a lot of rigid self confidence though, this usually leads to people calling me intimidating. My ego is pretty decent
But... the way I view others is in a very... hostile way. I think the reason I might look intimidating is because (since I feel like everyone has ill intentions or hates me) I tend to try to 'fight' against this, in hopes of it preventing them from saying something nasty against me.
This prevents me from going in most places, especially in places with a lot of people (specifically my age.) I always feel like everyone will judge me negatively, and I want to avoid that. It's like... even though I know nobody probably even notices me, I constantly feel like I'm being judged or watched.
But not just with people....
At times, when I'm alone in my room I feel like something is watching me and wants to kill/attack me. When going to the bathroom or kitchen, I will run and start sweating from fear. When I'm walking alone I will turn around constantly, in fear that someone might be stalking me. At night I have to cover myself completely from head to toe because and face the wall, because I'm scared someone might come and try to kill me... or that I might wake up and hear someone that's not real talking to me. This has been going on FOR YEARS. I'm sick of it...
Thing is, I do have a few friends. Their personalities make it obvious that they would never backtalk against me, judge or manipulate me... yet if there are any signs of the fallowing at all, I just ditch the person and don't talk to them. I'm not that sensitive (if it's a joke coming from someone I know and am friends with) If it's NOT, then I will dwell on it for a long time and hate the person to the point of wanting to kill them.
HORRIBLE when needing to talk in front of people, despite NOT being shy. I just hate being in the spot light and thinking everyone is watching and probably thinking negatively of me.
Is this paranoia or horrible insecurity? thanks ^^
Update:Thanks for the advice, I definitely agree that I can work on trusting people more and no taking things to heart (not to say that will be easy, it definitely wont)
Can't say the same for the others though....
It's one thing to tell myself that I'm being irrational and to believe myself. I'm actually a very rational thinker, I constantly tell myself 'you're being stupid right now, this isn't possible, you're in no type of danger and no one is watching you'... but I feel like my nerves fight against me.
When I'm at night and scared out of my mind to the point of being unable to move because I feel like there is someone in the room with me, I do tell myself that I'm just being stupid and there is no real danger... thing is, I can't tell my body that. At that moment I am going through such intense fear, crying and can't get my breathing to slow down. Just the THOUGHT of moving is impossible. So that will DEFINITELY, definitely
Comments
You need to block all those thoughts from your head for a moment and take a break. Just stop and think for a moment. Is all of this...rational? Look deep inside of you. You don't truly believe that someone is going to come kill you in the middle of the night. Sometimes fear stops us from seeing things clearly.
As for your social issues. Think of it this way. If you avoid everything, you won't get anything. You're afraid to face people. Look, if I came up to you and said "You're stupid, fat and ugly." with your issues, you'd probably want to kill me like you said. But think deeper than that. The reason you would want to do that is because you're hurt. But don't let people's words hurt you. I don't know you, I have no value in your life. You shouldn't care about what I have to say unless it is positive. My words should be harmless. If someone actually does tell you that, then so what? It wasn't that bad, was it? Yeah it hurts a little but not to the point of killing you.
Your situation is like a warrior wearing way too much protective gear. Of course, you want to be safe, that's great. But in the long run, that protective gear is going to wear you down. So let down your guard a little bit and, trust me, you'll be a lot happier.
paranora