Do I have a mental problem?
I'm black, dark skinned, a girl. I have really low self esteem...
Ever since I could remember i hated how dark my skin was, felt ugly and worthless compared to other girls and people.
With black people, they all show this HUGE preference for light skinned people (especially light skinned girls). It was like a god-given gift, an honor, a prize, the best thing to ever happen to a person, to be light. The praise I'd see a light skinned person or baby get, just because of their skin color...Even my own mom would tell me about how one of her nieces is soo pretty, with her "light skin and good hair", whenever she talked about other people, she always had to describe how light and dark their skin is.
Guys, well black guys, whenever they'd describe some cute girl they saw to me, it was always "she has a nice, body, long hair, pretty face, and she's LIGHT skinned!" Like wow as if that's some amazing achievement. Made me feel so ugly. Then listening to songs, and hearing "yellow bone" "red bone" etc.
Where I live everyone hates dark skin, getting darker. People will talk about how mad they are about having to be out in the sun for track because they got "blacker". I hear people talk about tanning and getting darker as if it's some horrible misfortune...
I live in a predominantly Mexican city, I suppose i'd be worse off in a predominantly white city because of the big contrast in my skin color to theirs, but here has caused a lot of damage to my self esteem too...Everyone here is either white skinned, olive, tanned, or light brown skin, some are dark brown and they get criticized about it...I'm always comparing myself to everyone elses skin color. I feel ugly and worthless, embarrassed...
I've actually had this white guy tell me to my face how gross dark and ugly my skin is...
Anyways, I had a terrible self esteem, felt sub-human. People tell me I'm very pretty (my face and body and hair) but I've also had guys tell me i'd be soo much pretty if I weren't black basically, if my skin was light...I only wear long sleeves to hide my skin color (my face, neck and hands are all that are ever shown, fortunately those parts of my body are as dark as the rest) but I'm trying to lighten my skin...well I am actually. I'm never out in the sun.
I have no social life. I spend most of my time, lightening my skin, being indoors...I used to be social and outgoing, but I was always insecure, people could sense that and treated me bad...middle school was horrible...I always felt so ugly...I developed a social phobia, and a complex, always felt uneasy, awkward and nervous around people, didn't want to be seen because of my color...
Now I'm 18...I haven't had a real friend since 6th grade honestly...I've missed out on a lot because of my social phobia...
People have tried becoming my friend but I act REALLY weird and rude, I push people away, ignore them...There's this girl who's been trying to become my friend since 10th grade. She's one of those extremely pretty girls, always looks perfect, everyone loves her, (She's NOT black, very light skinned). I don't know why she liked me, but she was always really nice and friendly, I would be nice back, but then act weird...I'd ignore her a lot, avoid her (like in the halls, they
re very dimmly lit which makes my skin look darker so I didn't want to be seen looking ugly, so I'd just avoud her). In class sometimes I don't even look her direction, because I feel embarrassed of my skin and the it contours my face at certain angles and lightings, I look ugly...sometimes she would turn around to talk to me and I would always get extremely nervous because I had to be looked at...In class, she sat beside me and she would be looking at me, waiting for me to acknowledge her but I'd ignore her because I felt ugly. That probably doesn't seem to make sense...but yeah...
She stares at me a lot actually and it just makes me extremely self conscious and uneasy...I'm so weird...and feel dark and ugly all the time so I just withdraw socially...
Comments
You have explained why you think dark skin is ugly. You're just a little baby, you think dark skin makes you look worse than anybody??? You need to see a counselor. You need to work on your self esteem. Ok you have tons of experience that people say dark skin is the worst. You need to pay attention to dark skin stars and models. I have seen Rihanna and 50 cent from about 10 feet. Rihanna had very dark skin. 50 Cent was the darkest person I have ever seen. Guess what, if the dark skin was the problem then why are they amazed by tons fans around the world? Dark skin is your advantage. White, Asian people have the light skin, yes. That doesn't mean they are all pretty just because they have lighter skin. I wish I could talk with you personally. Honey, you should see a psychologist.
This is what I hate about the black community (I'm black btw). I'm not dark skinned but I can relate because I went to an all white Highschool, I was the only black person in all my classes, at one point in the entire school (grades 7-12) you could count all the black people with your fingers, so I was different, my skin was different, my hair was different everybody thought I was dumb because I was black and my self esteem was non existent, never had a boyfriend,I understand you. Your 18 are you a senior or in college? Once you get to college it's a completely different ball game trust me. You will meet sooooooo many people omg you will love it. Don't listen to these people do you know how many gorgeous dark skinned actresses and models there are?? All I can say is wait till college or till you leave your town I guarentee you you'll be fine