Give my poem a critique?
*Trigger warning, involves death/suicidal thoughts
I'm so tired.
I'm ready to sleep.
So I lay me down.
All that I feel does ache.
All those I love will cry their eyes,
For a girl too weak to stay awake.
And they will cry for a girl they never knew,
They will weep for her lies,
Her truth will be forever gone
As they close her unseeing eyes.
Maybe deep within the ground where lays she,
Swathed in silk and kept warm by the velvet,
She shall get her rest,
Forever asleep she shall be.
And she is peaceful.
And she is resting.
And she craves life once more as her eyes open in the dark of the casket.
But I am tired.
And I am weak.
And I crave that cold forever sleep.
Comments
pretty good.
but you switch from "i" to "she". Are you meaning to speak of two people? either make it more clear that you are tired and weak as this other girl is being buried.
Or, if you are referring to you the whole time, please pick one or the other. I or she.
#slantrhymewin