REVIEW MY PARAGRAPH PLEASE!!!!!!@!!#@@!#@!#@!#?

jay-jjay-j
in Arts & Humanities

I have written this, but it sounds horrible for a Junior! i need revising... help

I believe music is much more than simply playing an instrument. Music to me is a way of communicating with myself, and others by using lyrical language. To me, music is a past time, a hobby, and a passion, where I can express my self. Emotions break out of me when I play, whether it is happiness, mournful, or mysterious. For example, when I played my Adagio in G minor solo, everything black out as I was playing, and I entered an inexpressible place only I can get in. I love the fact that I can deliver those emotions to other. Thus, I adulate playing for others. Playing the violin isn’t something one can master, where there is always a room for improvement. Thus, violin is an interminable hobby, and practicing my violin became my daily habit, and it is an incomplete day to me if I don’t play my violin. Violin plays an eminent role in my life, and I am glad that I chose to play violin as of First grade.

Comments

  • anonymousanonymous

    I believe music is much more than simply playing an instrument. Music, to me, is a way of communicating with myself and others by using lyrical language. Music is one of my past and present hobby. It's my passion and my way of expressing myself. Emotions seem to break out of me when I play, whether it is happiness, sadness or mysterious. For example, when I played my Adagio in G minor solo, everything blacked out as I was playing, and I entered a play where only I could get into. I love the fact that I can deliver those emotions to others and make them feel similar to how I feel when music is played. Playing the violin isn't something one can master, as there is always room for improvement. Violin is an interminable hobby, and practising my violin became my daily habit, and it is an incomplete day to me if I don't play my violin. It plays an eminent role in my life, and I am glad that I chose to play the violin since first-grade.

    I made a few changes such as you saying that it always makes you express yourself, but then you went on to saying that it is inexpressible, so I thought I'd clean that up a little bit.

    Also only use one "Thus" as the second one doesn't sound too right.

    But overall you did do a brill job on that paragraph.

    Hope I helped!

    x

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