Criticism please? only a few paragraphs?
I'm writing a story and I want to know what I'm doing wrong before continuing it. I've only begun writing and I want to make it better before I get bad habits ;]
Salem ran as fast as her short legs could take her, not bothering to say “S’cuse me.” when she pushed the sober faced people that had given the same message as her. With tiers blurring her pale eyes she moved toward Promise; the only tree left in Noughtstin, New York. Slowly she tried to dig her nails in the now almost lifeless bark of Promise, and began to break down in sobs.
After what could’ve been days, months, or years her desperate sobs almost vanished. It doesn’t matter that she was going to die soon, nor did it matter that everyone that had been proud and jealous she Salem Young was able to enter a stupid raffle that they were so sure she was going to win. It doesn’t matter she chanted the mantra in her head.
“Are you crying?” a voice from behind her whispered. ‘Can Promise actually speak? Maybe it isn’t Promise it sounds too much like…Stone! ’ She thought. “Earth to Shell” said the same voice this time she was sure who it was coming from, Stone was the only one that ever called her that beyond annoying nickname.
“Stone,” she was about to comment on his now deep voice but the words came out before she could even think about it “I didn’t make it.” She said in the verge of repeating what she detested most, crying.
“You d-didn’t?” his once present smile vanishing. Seeing that his best-friend was just that she would have to face something worse than death and die he did something very few thirteen year old boys do, he comforted her.
~
It's only a sample but I didn't want too make the question to long and bore anyone.
Update:-EDIT had been given the same message as her.
Comments
Wow, this seems very interesting.
You spelled "tears" wrong though, it's not "tiers"
Dang I wish I could read more.
You wouldn't happen to be a member of writingforums huh? That's where I used to post my stories, eh mainly novelettes but yeah. They give REALLY good criticism and are very helpful.
This is particularly well - I like the best way you place the scene and swiftly permit the reader to interact with the tale. The reader is now worried to grasp why Rubie's house is untouched and can preserve studying. The imagery is well as good - drawing the similarities to tin cans - as we will more often than not see cans beaten by means of automobiles on the part of the street. Adding the side consistent boat is well to because the roads are flooded. If whatever and it is only a concept - begin a brand new paragraph Trees spintered - it might upload to the outcome.