Do you think I'm depressed?
I'm 14, and I cry myself to sleep every night and if my mum notices my pillow is wet, she thinks I've been crying because my skin hurts from Eczema, but it's only the inside that hurts.
I don't know if I'm depressed, but I think about suicide a lot. I've thought about where I'll do it, what I'd write in a suicide note, what I'd wear and everything.
I think I just cause people too much pain and there really isn't much point in my life at all.
I've tried writing down negatives and positives about why or why I shouldn't end it all, but I can't think of positives. It's weird, because this really isn't me, usually I'm happy and people call me Smiley.
Here are my negatives:
1. I have severe asthma and eczema, and I have had it for all my life, but people at school and all my siblings pick on me for it, thinking it's nerdy, because American TV puts it that way. It's just a disease. Also, my mother is a single mother and she already struggles to look after all of us financially (I have 5 other siblings not including myself.) but me being around isn't helping her financially, because she has to buy like $35 worth of medicine/skin treatments like every week.
2. I can't really trust people, and I used to blame my sister for my trust issues, but I realized it wasn't really her at all, I just really do have issues trusting people, and because of this, I can't hold on to friends. As soon as anyone gets close to me, I just push them away. I'm really self-conscious, so I hate going to school, because I feel like such a loner, and I feel like people are always talking about me and staring, but maybe I'm just paranoid.
3. I miss a lot of school, usually because I'm sick with asthma, and by the time I go back, people who I've sort of been friends with, have moved on and found other people to hang with, and I'm shy so I hate making new friends.
4. On average, I go to hospital at least two times a year because of my asthma/eczema/allergies.
5. Because of the medicine I have to take for my asthma, it stunts my growth, so I'm short and chubby, which doesn't help my self-esteem. My sister, who's a year older than me, is tall, skinny and pretty, and people always have to tell me that, which drives me insane.
6. One of the other reasons I hate going to school is because whenever I'm outside, I'll either sneeze or itch like crazy because I'm allergic to grass, flowers, dirt, dust mites, peanuts, cats and dogs, deodorant and a bunch of other stuff.
So, basically, I'm socially-retarded, ugly, nerdy loser who's allergic to every second thing on this planet.
Am I depressed? This really isn't like me, but I don't know what to do about it.
I'm seeing a psychologist, but I have trust issues, and don't really tell her anything.
I'm writing it here because no one I know has a Y!A account, and I don't really know you people.
Comments
My heart goes out to you. You sound like such a nice person. I would love to give you a big hug and te you everything will be ok.
I am not going to say all those things you mentioned dont matter because they do, and it puts you at a severe disposition. no wonder you have issues and are depressed. Keep working at it though because you are building character that is very unique.
I can say that sometimes no matter how bad things get (and there is people out there in worse situations) that life is alwaysss sweet. you will die eventually anyway, why not do what you can while your here.
what are your talents?
Yes, you may be. Psychologists, as you mentioned you are seeing, can help, but it is really up to you to make the best of your situation. I am depressed and spend endless nights awake just thinking. You're only 14 I'd hate to see someone that young with so much mental constraints. Live your life and roll with the punches (easier said than done). Good luck.
i only had to read the bit before the negitives
im 14 and used to cry myself to sleep(it lasted over for 3yrs stairt)
but yer its not a good thing i have got trust issues am depressed and have been suicidal (i even attemped it oviously it didnt work)
but yer uv got what i call 'issues'
and yes im cut myself and what not
but ur still in the early stages u can get out so id try coz once u get depressed u ur never the same ever if u dont get out ull end up like me and trust me it sux
just so u kno ull probibly end up feeling only pain then u feel nothing at all ( in my case this spands out over 8yrs)
im so so so so sorry. 4 more years and your gone form school though. youll be 18. if youve got a gawguss sister talk to her and tell her how you feel. she could give you a makeover and tell people to stop picking on you. i know this is gonna make me sound tight but... there are so many other people like you and some are probs in your school. make friends with them and if you feel like people will think your social reject then hear me out. im one of those popular girls (not boasting) and none of my friends talk about (oh gawd this sounds so tight! this isnt you im talking about) the less fortunate. talk to someone and make friends with people who are real friends.
xxxx i would be your friend and i would stick by you forever! i wish i could give you a massive bear bug! xoxox
i believe u are depressed. what u need to do is change something in your life.. try something new something tht interests you a club/instrument or something socially involved tht could help u to branch out and be able to trust yourself and gain confidence.
OH MY GOODNESS !!! you just described me!! im 14 and i have exzema too! .. Its not good to bottle your emotions ! tell someone!! Dont take life too seriously and dont give a crap about what anyone says/thinks in any way shape of form! dont let anyone stand in your way , ITS YOUR LIFE! good luck hun x