Is my low self-esteem causing me to doubt my marriage?
I've suffered from low self-esteem all of my life because of the way I was raised. My dad was emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. I've been married for 4 years now to the most wonderful man who treats me like a queen and I love him very much. He is the best husband I could have ever asked for, and I've always known it, but something is always causing me to look for the bad in our relationship. My husband even pointed it out. He said that whenever we start to get really close (emotionally) I start to pick fights with him and I push him away from me so we become distant. Our marriage is good, but I know we aren't as close as we could be. I feel like my self-hatred and self-esteem has just gotten worse over the years...maybe because I haven't tried to solve any of it. I know that I pick fights and start looking for problems in our relationship when I feel that we are getting "too close" but I don't want to do this. I am trying to be more proactive and pay attention to everything I do and say so that this doesn't keep happening.
So, if I were to get to the root of the problem and work on loving myself, would that make me stop pushing my husband away when he just wants to be close to me? Should I focus on another problem or am I correct in that the problem is that I hate myself? Thank you in advance.
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Sounds to me as if you have unresolved issues in which you never sought how to deal with, thus leading into how you feel about yourself now. If one focuses on negativity, then that is exactly what will come your way, however, if this is how your brain has been trained to think growing up and most of your life, then it will take some time to untrain your way of thinking in this matter. You have to love yourself before others can truly do it, others you will drive them away. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband and cares, but its very hard for him to see you self destruct this way. I would think seeking counseling to assist in resolving your childhood past issues and start each day telling yourself something positive about yourself. You could even start today, keep a journal, jot down 5 positive things and NOTHING negative. It can be anything from te way your eyelashes are down to maybe being good at some hobby. And then when you wake up in the mornings look in the mirror and say today is a GOOD day!
Overall please seek help, holding on to this unresolved feelings of your horrible childhood is controlling your every day living today.
Coming from the household you did, I understand completely why you push away your husband when you're getting close. You are afraid of getting hurt again. I think that's mostly what your problem is. So you close down so that nobody (and I assume it's not just your hubby but in your other relationships as well) wukk get too close to be able to hurt you.
My suggestion is to focus on your self esteem and to realize that yous husband loves you and you deserve that even if you think you don't. I highly suggest going to some therapy to address your issues. You obviously have not truly dealt with and let go your past and you will need to do that before you can move on and be happy in the future.
Yes, I have no doubt of it sweetie. I talk from experience. I could not even comprehend that my husband wanted to marry me and so even when it happened, I doubted it so much. I could never say: I know you love me; I used to say: I know you, well you know what lol and he would say: I dare you to say it and I couldn't or if I did; I would say it very quietly and he would look me in the eyes and say: Suzanne, I love you darling!
I would even panic if someone sat next to me or stood next to me because I felt sorry that he had to - ouch!
I still struggle with it, but more and more, I am able to say: well of course you like or love me; who can resist me? And I get huge smiles. My husband says that I can get away with saying the most outrageous things to people because they just laugh and always want to hug me hehehehe
I could never look in my husband's eyes and frightened of any intimacy we had. Although I never picked fights - didn't need to since we fought anyway! I could not get around the fact that this man loved me and so distrusted his love and got jealous very easily. So if another woman chose that she wanted him, I would have been powerless to do anything about it!
Now it is all different. I am a lot more self assured - well to a certain extent, as long as no one demands my photo.
I know that I am sexy because of the reaction I get from chaps and well my husband definitely shows he thinks me sexy lol
I am so pleased you have a good man in your life and yes, it does help if you can learn to love yourself. At times now when I feel dreadful about myself - my husband has to be there to show he does not view me as I view myself.
For me the problem exists due to a dreadful up bringing and sexual abuse.
So I think you should see about looking to why you feel this way because that will bounce back on to your marriage.