Does this intro paragraph make sense?
I read this to my sister and she got lost....so please leave comments on what you think on it. Im not yet finished i still have some things i need to add. oh and this is a intro paragraph describing Holden Caufield from Catcher in the rye
To be one that is "uncorrupted by evil and malice" as the American Heritage dictionary depicts is one who portrays innocence. The ones who hold this innocence are children who have not yet been exposed to the impurities of adulthood and changed. Holden illustrates his manifest opposition of change through his struggled perseverance for innocence.
Comments
a few commas here and there, but otherwise it makes sense. Is your sister older or smarter than you?
I understand what you're saying here, however you need to write to your intended audience. IF you are writing for any reason other than your audience, then you might be losing your focus on WHY you are writing.
Maybe you can expand on WHY Holden Caufield feels and believes in these concepts, you can make this paragraph more easily accepted by a wider audience. SHOW the reader WHY Holden Caufield feels this way, don't just TELL your audience.
It's a bit too flowery. Essay writing should be more straightforward and less passive than your writing, here, is. For example, instead of that first sentence, you could say something similar to:
The American Heritage Dictionary defines one who is innocent as being "uncorrupted by evil and malice."
It's more concise. Always avoid passive writing. It makes your writing a little weaker, it makes it sound as if you're allowing for disagreement from your reader. But you want to sound strong and sure. Avoid passive writing.
I also think that your writing, in being a bit too fancy and indirect, is what is confusing your sister. It's not immediately apparent what you're saying. I do understand it, but you can make it more easily understandable by making your writing more direct and active.
Hope this helps! Good luck
The book is a coming-of-age story about Holden. Holden is a typical teenager revolting against what he doesn't understand. Just like almost all other teenagers, Holden whines and complains about almost everything and everybody. Holden doesn't oppose change, he has no idea where he's at, he's lost in a sea of confusion just like thousands of other teenagers that identified with the book in the years since it was written.
Yes it does make sense, but it will most likley confuse people who are not used to large words like some of these. (sorry for any spelling errors!)
I'm not lost. You just have a very strong vocabulary. Thats good. (: