Marriage problems?
I'm 25 weeks pregnant. My husband admitted to me last night he's addicted to um... adult material. I have NO idea how to deal with this or how to act. Any suggestions??
Update:More on the internet. Where he spends all his time.
I'm 25 weeks pregnant. My husband admitted to me last night he's addicted to um... adult material. I have NO idea how to deal with this or how to act. Any suggestions??
Update:More on the internet. Where he spends all his time.
Comments
wow. I am assuming by adult material you mean porn etc. I am not sure what your feelings are on this topic, but I personally am totaly against porn etc. I have let my boyfriend know that from day one. I told him there is no way I want to be with someone who has to look at other girls to get pleasure, no matter how much he says they dont compare to me etc. I believe that if he loves me, then he only needs to look at me and no one else. We had a couple HUGE fights about this, I dont think he took me seriously in the beginning. But he realized how much it hurt me (and it did. I litterally felt sick about it) and told me he that it wasnt that important to him and he didnt want to hurt me and it wasnt worth losing me over. I don't know how your husband reacts to things like that, but my only advice is to tell him how it makes you feel and to tell him you wont tolerate it and if you are important enough to him he will understand your feelings and want to do what is best for you and not want to hurt you.
Hope this helps... Good luck
P.s. Lots of people think its normal for guys to look at that kind of stuff, and thats alright for them, but for me it is not okay. You need to understand that if it hurts you, its not okay for him to do it. He doesnt NEED to do it. You NEED to be not hurt. Dont listen to people who say "just get over it" I tried to do it but it hurt me more. it is unbelievable how many people think that as long as he is just looking and not touching it is okay. it is NOT okay. He is fantasizing about OTHER WOMEN, wether real or not. He should only be looking at YOU. He should not have a need to look at other women. It is not harmless. It degrades women. It makes us feel like we arent good enough. we are good enough to sleep with and cook and clean for them, but not to entertain them. it is wrong and it shouldnt have ever started in the first place. (sorry this is a touchy subject for me)
Whatever you think of pornography, if he's telling you he's ADDICTED (that's the key word here) then he's asking for help. It means he's tried stopping on his own, and hasn't been able to.
It's pretty hard on a wife to hear that for the first time, particularly if you've got all those crazy pregnant hormones going on. I think what would be really good for you is to educate yourself on what exactly a sexual addiction (porn addiction is in that category) is and isn't. A common misconception is that this has something to do with you and your sex life - not so - you could have the world's greatest sex life, and be the worlds hottest babe, and he would still look at it - I can't emphasize that enough.
Honestly the question you need to ask him is - how much does he want to be free of his addiction? Is he ready and willing to seek out addiction recovery groups? There are lots of 12-step groups out there that can help (and most have special family groups that can help you).
Speaking as a guy - it's normal, within reason. Why do you think that Penthouse was one of the top-selling magazines for years?
I would suggest simple ground rules - no money. The porn sites are notorious for being shady places where your credit card information gets stolen; and there's more than enough free stuff out there... Also, don't waste too much time. Be sure the computer has a good antivirus program...
Otherwise, if he's into weird stuff - or stuff that can get him arrested - If I were you I would be worried.
I have been there as well sorry to say. My situation only got worse through the years. It increased and he became obsessed and it led to strip clubs, etc. Your choice on how to handle it but make sure when that child comes there is NO PORN in the house. Kids will find it if you don't want them too. However in your case he admitted it so maybe you can set some ground rules on usage. For many it's a moral issue as well. What is acceptable to you?
Did you tell him how you feel about it? I would make sure you knew you think its unacceptable (well if thats what you feel) and don't give him any options other then stop getting the adult material. Good luck...Also tell him you don't need to be dealing with this being 25 weeks pregnant!!
We went through the same thing. He has started seeing a therapist (it's akward talking to him though) and we got rid of all the credit/debit cards so he can't call the sex lines, put a ban on the computer and a password system and only I know the password and he wants to work through it and he's had a couple relapses(phone calls) but so far has been honest and is working through it. You have to let him know that it's a common thing and not take it personally. He needs your support in order to get through it. Good luck.
Do you love him? Is it worth working it out? You can get through this, trust me! I have been there and done that. He needs to get help and you both need marriage counseling. My sister-in-law told me when I was going through my problem to go by myself if he won't go with me. I hope it works out for the best for you two! He isn't cheating, but I understand that adult material leaves the door open for anything to happen. Any reaction that you have right now is normal and you have the right to be angry. I will admit when I found what my husband told me I went crazy...I screamed and yelled and I scratched his chest and later on I appologized and asked him why he let me do that, because I NEVER wanted to hurt him, but it was the heat of the moment...he told me that he deserved it and that he knew I needed to react like that to get over how I was feeling. Now, I am not saying that you need to go out and beat him up and scratch him, but any reaction you have right now is normal and you need to let yourself cry. I cried for a week, but I refused to let myself get depressed and I refused to let it take over my life. Once I got it all out, I pick up myself and put the peices back together and got on with my life and if he wanted to be apart of it then he needed to make the sacrifices because I wasn't going to put up with it. That was 5 years ago and we are now doing a lot better. He is a different person now. Marriage is a work in process...you have to work at it every day...remember your vows "in sickness and in health" and addiction is a sickness. He just needs help and he needs you to support him! Good luck and I hope it works out.
Tell him to get a hobby. A little Internet porn curiosity is sort of normal in the beginning..but spending your time surfing porn is not very productive. Tell him to focus on you, not the porn.. He needs to also realize your pregnant and your hormones are changing and you need a lot of understanding. I'm sure his activity is harmless,
its a guy thing...look at it this way he cant touch, he can only look, and he is comming home to you everynight... If you feel like he isnt interested in u anymore the maybe you need to tell him this, and then try some new things, i know being pregnant you dont always want to have sex or make love, but you need to let him know how you are feeling... keep the conversation lines open.
Its not a big deal.
Its less dangerous than if he has a bar hopping problem.
So he looks at porn.
Its just entertainment, it keeps him entertained, which is the same reason guys like sports or action films.
Alot of people, guys and girls, enjoy "adult material".
Pregnant or not - doesn't matter - unless you're extra emotional because of your hormones, than just keep that in mind.
Its no big deal, these stupid magazines are of "unobtainable" girls... thing is, if he met one of them he wouldn't even like or respect them. So quit worrying. He married you. You guys are having a family. Let him look at porn. Its better than him going out to get lap dances to get off.