How is my poem so far?

sapphire-rsapphire-r
in Arts & Humanities

I can see it now -

Tears fall like rain onto the ground

Yet you do not allow

Anyone to help or show you what they found.

When you sit alone

Wishing that the stars were people who understand

I wish I could tell you to change your tone;

Start to love again on this land.

For the sky is the same wherever you may be

So when you look at it, think of me.

Comments

  • daniel-parker_60bf50b69c7f0daniel-parker_60bf50b69c7f0

    I think it's a very good poem as far as content and imagery.

    You express well the pain the person feels and how you want to help them

    But your poem lacks something as far as rhythmic bent.

    Here's what I would do to it:

    I can see it now,

    Your tears like rain on the ground,

    Yet you won't allow

    Anyone to show you what they've found.

    When you sit alone

    Wishing the stars could understand

    I'd tell you to change your tone

    Start to love again on this land.

    For the sky is the same wherever you be

    So when you look at it won't you think of me?

    Overall it's a very good poem though and your feelings come through well.

  • yesu-benyesu-ben

    I'm not satisfied with the flow. I'd accept slight changes in meter but over 3 beats jars me quite. But the rhymes were nice and the message too. I say, work on that meter.

  • anonymousanonymous

    I understand the meaning of the poem however the choice of words could improve.

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