A new poem, comments and criticisms please?
i wrote this one didn't take me too long, so theres likely to be spots not everyone likes, but i like how it turned out....i started to run out of synonyms for broken/destroy but overall i think it's good. Hope you enjoy it 
a poetic mind, a beautiful soul
the broken heart, doth take it's toll
a shattered mirror, an open heart
the twisted way and injured part
a shredded letter and shivered forfeit
my mangled remains and crippled spirit
a new life, with this damage i can't fix
but through flame I rise, as a phoenix
ps i read it through and the flow gets wierd at the end, when i read it out loud though i can make it work(more dramatic lol)
Update:i think i found a fix for the last 2 lines:
a new life, with this damage to fix
but through flame I rise, a phoenix
Update 3:bloody pillow....what do you mean warm feelings? i wasn't going for warm feelings lol
and the "a"s and "the"s were an artistic point to exaggerate each image.....basically i'm keeping them =/
Comments
This poem was alright. It could be better with plenty of revision
And more originality and it did not really envoke any sense of warm feeling within me but I know you can do better. I grew bored with most of it quite frankly but that is only me so others may like it. Not as to say it was not a good poem, I just feel with a little bit more revision it could be even better. The good news is you inspired me to write a poem of my own. Which I have written just now. Thanks for that at least.
Luck!
EDIT: Lol oh well i dont know just envoked warm feelings in me somehow....and u can keep the a's if u want....other person had a problem with that..i gues..idk..well off to another poem
Allow me to make some suggestions; it's only my opinion. Too many 'a;s' at beginning lines. 'A' and 'the' should be left out if possible, to make a poem artistic....showing much more talent.
Line 1, drop both 'a's Line 2..leave off 'the'. Line 3, drop 'a' and 'an'.
Line 4, drop 'a' and 'and', put comma after 'way'. Line 5, same as line 4.
Line 6, drop 'my'..after remains, add comma. Drop 'and'. Line 7, drop 'a'...add comma. Drop 'this'. Line 8 is a very strong ending, and I applaud you with it. This shows much talent. Use your gift.
Great poem, only thing i really think is wrong is that if you're reading it the last verse sounds odd with phoenix, but if you could read it aloud dramatically it works perfectly.
if you want to, you could change the last verse to something like "but through the flames i rise, reborn", still great as is though.
it's ok...but I bet you're a teenager who was just dumped...even though you have a lot of imagery in there, it all refers to a single fact, there is no event and no flow of ideas...in a poem you should try to create a little scenario using those images...don't just puke your emotions...every teenager can do that...try to be different, that would make it a much better poem in my opinion...
but honestly I have to say, I really like the images there...very well done...but I again stress on the "flow" part...you need to organize your thoughts more...
tc
Well I think it was really good you have to know what you are doing to write like that. let me know when yo post another poem I would love to read them. I have many other poems check them out.
I like it. As you already mentioned, the flow is kinda funky toward the end. One nitpick: "doth take it's toll" it's should be its. No apostrophe.
I liked it!
Much better after you changed it! I like it alot!
I love it
wow very goodddddd
xx