3 paragraphs of my book. Please Edit. Rewrite. Review. Emails please, if your a good writer?
I could feel the moons light on my skin, a caress by Mother Nature herself. I out casted a shine so bright that it out shown the silvery light the moon let out onto me and dozens, thousands of other Faeries that night. That night, I felt in place, I felt like I belonged. It was not as if we were the one’s shining, it saddens me to say this but it was Soul Dust sparkling that breezy winter night. Making us Faeries look like diamonds that night, and thousands before. Said dust sounds even dazzling, enchanting. Do not mistake thee, it is not. Soul Dust is what comes from the body we feed off. As they’re spirit is floating up to the heavens, crystallized fragments come to us as if we were magnetized. As if we needed yet another reminder of the savage beasts we are. Worse, we can’t help it.
Aphrodite. Aphrodite. Aphrodite! I peer around my shoulder to find my best friend Jamey standing they’re with a puzzled expression. “What Jamey, Do I have something on my face?” “No, it’s just you forgot to hunt, again.” “Oh, Sorry Jamey I just got so caught up in the moons essence that I completely forgot.” “Well we don’t need an anorexic Faerie, Aphrodite this is the second time, one more and people are going to start questioning making you a Faerie, you know what happens then, right?” “Yah sorry Jamey, I won’t forget for tomorrow.” I put my hand behind me and accidently ***** my finger on a thorn. Black blood starts oozing from my wound. At first it’s no big deal, Faeries get cut, bruised, and beaten on a daily bases, but we have one weakness, the scarlet red thorn. It is like poison to us. If left un attended for one hour’s time, us Faeries burst into flames, and all that is left is a pile of black ashes. Before I faint I exhale one last word, Jamey.
When I awake I find myself placed in a white room, hooked up to an I.V machine dripping Navy Blue liquid into my right arm. Oh yes I rember in one of my classes before an elder telling me about how lilonas are used in antibiotics to treat poisoned Faeries. I must have encountered a Scarlet Red Thorn last night, I don’t remember much. I hear a loud thud on the door, and then a familiar face appears, Jamey.
Update:Dont answer this please. I am not using it only the first paragraphj. Found something better. to use.
Comments
(Putting paragraph breaks will probably get you more reads.
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I think the idea of fairies who are kind of modern - with modern medicine techniques and terminology - is rather cool. This short passage made me curious how Aphrodite (the goddess of love??) is trying to become a fairy.
There are quite a lot of grammar mistakes in this, and some rather awkward wording. Also, some things just don't seem to fit: savage beast-like faeries who are quite gentle and friendly to each other?
I'll do an edit of the first few lines.
I could feel the moons light on my skin, a caress by Mother Nature herself. I out casted a shine (I'm not sure what this means. Is the fairy shining? If so, "I shone" would work.)
so bright that it out shown the silvery light the moon let out onto me and dozens, thousands of other Faeries that night. (This sentence is wordy and awkward. Perhaps something like: My skin shone brighter than the silvery light of the moon that showered down upon me and the thousands of other fairies nearby.)
That night, I felt in place, I felt like I belonged. ("In place" is a bit off. Perhaps, "That night, I felt I had found my place, like I belonged.")
It was not as if we were the one’s shining, it saddens me to say this but it was Soul Dust sparkling that breezy winter night. (Too wordy again. "The shimmering glow in the air did not come from us. It was Soul Dust that lit the breezy winter night.)
Best of luck.
Harding flinches, and that i see his hands start to creep out from between his knees like white spiders from between 2 moss-coated tree limbs, up the limbs in direction of the growing to be to be a member of of the trunk. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest via Ken Kesey