I wrote a poem. How do you feel bout it?
Any comments/criticism would be really appreciated!
Pointless Staring
Into the night
Wonder what's on the other side
If you want to know you'll have to fight
But if you knew youd have to die
Please pretend that you'll be fine
I can not loose you
You are my life
So take me with you
I should scream
Because you mean everything to me
You are the hope that keeps me dreaming
The only reason I am screaming
At least take me with you
So I wont be alone
In this dreary place
Were no one makes me feel at home
Even in the heat my heart is turning cold
Taring itself apart
Cuz its no longer your soul
And you left me is this whole
deep inside my chest
Were I silently shout your name
But my pain blocks the rest
BQ: What dose it mean to you & What might be a good title?
Comments
And you left me is this whole
Is this supposed to read:
And you left me in this hole.
The following line also doesn't make sense with it.
Your in a whole (hole) inside your chest.
Anyway, I liked the energy in it. The mellowness and lightness combined form a good setting (of a sort) for this poem.
However, I think you should change something to stick about somewhat more, so that the poem is memorable.
People have been writing about love for thousands of years. The reason why people are successful using this, is because they present it in a unique way (I'm not saying you have to change your poem's idea or base, just make it more interesting.)
Right now the poem is pretty basic; make it unique.
Give me something to imagine and feel strongly about.
Well, this was a good start! Keep on trying, because your certainly on you way to becoming great!
P.S. I'm terrible at titles!
Sorry:(
You have a neat idea, don't capitalize every beginning line. Cuz is ok if you're texting or IMing a friend but not im a poem it look lazy and unthoughtful to the reader. Then you have some errors in spelling Taring it self (this would be interesting BUT I hae a feeling you mean tearing). Read your poem aloud, and also start looking at others.
Pointless staring
into the night
wonder what's on the other side
If you want to know... you'll have to fight
If you knew you'd have to die
Please pretend that you'll be fine
I can't loose you! You are my life,
so take me with you
I should scream!!!
Because this means everything to me
the hope that keeps me dreaming
only reason I am screaming!!!!
In this dreary place
where no one makes me feel, at home
even in the heat.. my heart.. is cold
tearing its self apart
cause its no longer your soul
and you left me is this whole
deep inside my chest
where I silently shout your name
but my pain blocks the rest
i'm sorry with regard to the toothache. in actuality i be attentive to how painful a toothache is. i've got experienced it, nevertheless do. I even composed a poem expressing how the throbbing discomfort interfered as i attempted to write down my love a letter!can not paste, nevertheless with publishers. an previous chum despatched me one consoling fashionable The Bane Of discomfort I lay in mattress, i theory 'twas lifeless yet for the discomfort, i can not clarify The pounding dread, interior my head Why won't it wane, cries out my concepts. broken filling, dental drilling O' curse the bane, of toothache discomfort i could be killing, if God's prepared To stop refrain of molar's discomfort. What can relieve and furnish reprieve From curse, the bane, of toothache discomfort it is going to alleve, i might desire to have faith Or will abstain, from existence mundane. I cry aloud, i'm not proud Down on my knees, O' help me please To God I vowed, if he allowed alleviation to ease, the discomfort appease. I hear my spouse, say end the strife stop whining expensive, or I do worry i gets a knife, to end your existence To me substitute into sparkling, the top substitute into close to. Consternation, tribulation yet then I see, it got here to me notion, jubilation Tylenol 3, O' come to me. I took the tablet, and downed with swill discomfort's trip, organic elation It in high quality condition the invoice, the blessed tablet go beyond dental drugs.
there are two spelling errors. **where for were and **tearing for taring
I would break it up into sections, because when the entire thing is together it can be a bit confusing, and it is hard to follow the rhyme.
I do like your poem though! It sounds like you wrote it about someone that had a significant impact on your life.
I can not loose you
should be lose
Taring itself apart
should be tearing
Cuz its no longer your soul
lose the "cuz"
And you left me is this whole
should be
and you left me with this hole
There is potential in your writing
this example is not too bad, but I think you have much room for improvement.
I good title might be
Novocaine (soul sleeper)
This is quite good actually.Keep up the good work!
BQ a bad breakup and it is hard for you to move on?
answer mine please?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Aj0vA...
wow this is really great-keep it up