Boyfriend has a previous marriage, causes serious problems.?
In high school, I knew him, I knew her, I introduced them and they were friends, she had a baby. They got together, married, she had his baby, so he's raised two kids. They got divorced. He was unhappy and she was an unreasonable jerk.
I have been dating this man since Oct 2012 and I love him.
I do not want kids just yet. (I am 25, him 24). He has them every other weekend. (Ugh!) Since marriage is a contract for forever and he did the whole promise thing, I often wonder if he would leave me and perhaps one day our family (planning about in 10 years), simply because he was unhappy. He tells me that when he was married, he would think of other people during sex, including me, and so I know he does this with me -he has a tendency to close his eyes. I feel ugly, but that's not what this is about-
I cannot help but think these thoughts, and the more I try not to press them, the more they come up in every day life.
If he's on the phone, I naturally accuse him of talking to his ex-wife for fun. If he's on my laptop or alone I accuse him of masturbating and porn with my laptop. It gets to the point where I wonder if he's going to leave me, during sex with him. So then I think of his ex-wife and kids . . . and so I cry and we have to stop. I can't help it. The more the relationship progresses, the more my mind becomes more jealous. It also doesn't help this is my first serious relationship, and now I think only of this every day.
Has anyone else had something like this happen? My boyfriend says I should go to a therapist (the-rapist of thoughts!). I'm curious of any experiences of extreme jealousy.
Maybe just empathy, stories, perhaps. Thank you in advance, and if you read all this, severe props.
Update:"naturally for fun" = i meant, them talking for fun, him talking to an ex for fun is one of our 'things' we do not do. if they do not talk about the kids or finances/child support then it is 'fun' - i see what you were saying , now, lol. and excuse you though, hell yeah, the previous marriage was the issue. when a person says i do, it means in sickness and health. she was sick and he left her.
Update 3:The accusations are true most of the time ~ can't know about the fantasizing about other women in bed though for sure.
Comments
You are letting your mind go crazy thinking up all kinds of possibilities all the time. Worst case ones, etc. I think that's normal for women, as ... well evolution pretty much wants to make sure that the mothers are constantly worrying about worst case.. because it's better to be safe than sorry when raising kids. You aren't raising kids.. I know.. but that doesn't change the programming you have inside. It will NEVER stop. Get used to it.
What isn't fair is that you are laying all of this onto your boyfriend. You aren't giving him a chance to make his own mistakes... and to be successful when things are difficult, too, to earn your respect. You are just constantly thinking of dire possibilities and turning mole hills into mountains.
Someday, all your thinking and racing out ahead of possibilities might be right and you will look back glad that your mind works that way. But it's also possible that someday you will simply wear him down and you will prove yourself right, not because he would have been terrible, but because your worrying created the situations you were worried about. They might never have happened otherwise.
You know? Starting crying while having sex is a sure way to make a guy feel truly terrible. Especially when it's not deserved. (He might be closing his eyes so that he doesn't have to think about you crying, too. Sheesh. He may need to think of anyone else, even a cartoon character, just to avoid the thought of you hating him and crying about it.)
You need to simmer down, get yourself under control, focus. Keep in mind that your brain is okay -- it's trying to anticipate problems. That's a good thing, if it's NOT ruining your relationship. But when it gets to that level of things, it is YOUR problem and you need to square yourself away a bit. Bottle it up or something. Get some perspective. Give your boyfriend a chance, for gosh sake.
It's just evolution tearing your mind apart. It's good for keeping your kids out of trouble. It's bad, at the level you are worrying at, for relationships. A saint couldn't take it.
Work on simmering down a bit.
Um, I don't think your boyfriend's previous marriage is the issue here. In your mid-20s, everyone you date will have a past of some kind, and this extreme jealousy you have going on will destroy any relationship if you can't get it under control. A little bit of jealousy can be fine, and even a little beneficial, but when you say that you "naturally" accuse him of talking to his ex-wife for fun, you have a problem. It is not natural to accuse someone of the things you accuse him of (it sounds like regularly and with no basis). I strongly suggest that you get some help, because there is no way he is going to put up with this for 10 years.
I can understand not wanting children just yet (I never wanted them) but two things you wrote "Ugh" and "he's raised two kids" are troubling.
I get it, but those children are nowhere near raised, and you clearly already resent that he has them two days out of ever fourteen.
I feel badly that you already resent them (they've done nothing to you) and making him feel like they are a burden is only going to make it harder for him to spend that little bit of time with them. They need their Dad more than you need a bf.
This is your common sense kicking in, you don't need a therapist. He's 24 and already has one marriage under his belt. His ex isn't the jerk, he is. If I had a nickel for every man who has made his ex out to be some crazy, unreasonable demon. Yes there are crazy demons out there but in almost 50 years I've only come across a small handful of nuts and far more bitter ex-husbands. It's time to listen to your common sense; a divorced 24 year old man, with kids and a roving eye is no prize.
Sweetie you sound immature. You are not ready for this relationship as you are hurting him and yourself with your thinking.
I advise you to break up, work on yourself, and your insecurities, before trying another relationship.
Yes you need to go to a therapist. The problem isn't the ex-wife, it's you and your accusations.
I think he should leave you because you won't go to find help in therapy. Please tell him for me.