Critique this poem?

anonymousanonymous
in Arts & Humanities

i'm fourteen and i would like opinions on this poem i just wrote. (Keep in mind this was completed in ten minutes) Critique please!

i look in the mirror

but i dont see me

i see loneliness

could that be me

i look through the window

but i don't see you

i see the pain

you put me through

i look back in the mirror

and i understand

my heart is on the witness stand

my mind questions

my heart defends

locked in jail

cannot escape

no regaining innocence

for its a bit too late

my bodies at a civil war

over this love,

i had to fight for

(for some reason my capital i button isn't working, lol!)

Update:

oh and by the way, there is no standard for the amount of time that a project needs to be worked on in order for it to be critiqued. the whole idea of this is to get opinions on the CONTENT of my work, and should not be judged SOLELY by the amount of time it took for completion. does it play a role? most certainly. but it shouldn't take long to complete a poem like this, especially, for it is merely a translation of thoughts to written words and shouldn't require too much effort.(:

Comments

  • imogen-clarke_60ba32e7cec5cimogen-clarke_60ba32e7cec5c

    It's good. The timing seems a little off, and the rhyming feels to me a little inconsistent. Also, the "me" "me" and the "stand" "stand" seem a little repetitive, but that just might be me. I really like the lines "locked in jail cannot escape no regaining innocence." I think those lines really create a powerful feeling for the reader.

  • p-wp-w

    The amount of time spent writing a poem is irrelevant, as you could have been thinking about it for months!

    This poem could benefit from a Title.

    Better:

    "For it's a bit too late -

    my body's in a civil war"

    You run out of steam with the mirror/pane motif, so you move onto a court room theme, which then runs dry, so you adopt a martial tone. It would have been far stronger to have stuck to the mirror theme from start to finish.

  • drewdrew

    I like it. It really hits many aspects in life. Also, you drive home the constant struggle between the heart and mind very well. Good job :)

  • stacey-rogers_60ba32e9b2c34stacey-rogers_60ba32e9b2c34

    That's a good one sunny bunny! call it "Trials of my heart" :)

  • wallah-lieswallah-lies

    I like it! I have been through this experience also. :/

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