Marriage problems?
my husband and i had a threesome on serveral occasions with a friend before the act happened we all went over the "rules" the main one was that absolutely no one was to know. To make a long story short. I stopped the threesome after numerous times. the friend wanted more and started text messaging my husband they began to make arrangements to meet on the side. I found out about it and he told me that he couldnt go through with it. but he made never told me of the texts and he made no attempt to stop it. Then come to find out the friend had already told what happened between us after the second time. I am furious!! should i want to end my marriage for my husband going behind my back or am i to blame for letting it happen. He seems to be very remorseful and has started therepy. he has not been a saint in the marriage or his past. Should i try to make my marriage work or let it go. We have 3 kids. The friend says she got "caught up" and takes this situation very lightly Need adcise!
Comments
First consider your children and the damage divorce will do to them. Sounds like you and your husband got a little caught up in pushing the boundaries and have learned a valuable lesson. Sounds like your husband is generally a good guy (everyone has issues and no one is perfect), and it appears you can trust him. In addition to therapy, I would suggest marriage counseling just to close this issue and get rid of any resentments. You may be upset at your husband, but realize how traumatic divorce will be on you, he, and your children. Going forward, be clear on your boundaries and expectations, and look for other ways to keep your marriage interesting such as romantic get-aways, more alone time with just the two of you, light some candles and experiment with some "toys". But keep it just between you two.
You need to cut off all contact with the friend, and if you and your husband want to be married you need counseling. You are just as much to blame as they are for allowing it. Bringing people into the marriage is a BAD idea. Chances are, if you are doing something that needs to be kept secret, it is probably something you shouldn't be doing in the first place.
This really sucks for you, as fulfilling sexual fantasies have to have real boundaries. Inviting someone else into the relationship ALWAYS opens the possibilities of emotions and sexual tensions running higher than expected.
You can't control what that person has done. You can only control your own part of your marriage.
I cannot understand how married people can have a threesome. I would never want to invite a third person into the sanctuary of love making that is between me and my husband. I feel people who do this are taking a great risk of things going wrong as you have seen. Your husband crossed that line of being with another person and is confused on what his boundaries should be. In other words, he enjoyed the sexual encounter with this other person to the point it lead him to lie and betray you. I feel it is no ones fault but a mistake on both of you and your husband. Get into therapy to fix your marriage.
It's nice that you and your husband r able to talk openly about sex. Most couples have a difficult time expressing themselves. The fact that your husband and 'the friend' started making arrangements behind your back is infuriating. It isn't your fault. You agreed to have a 3-some, not for your husband to have a secret affair. If you can forgive him and make your marriage work, don't give up on him. If he loves you and wants to openly express himself with you, the both of you can have a very healthy relationship. Hopefully being able to trust and pure devotion to the marriage will b something to get 'caught up' in..
Your first mistake was to have a 3some with a friend rather than an acquaintance. It was wrong for your husband to seek out more sexual experiences with her but you opened that door for him and now its become a problem. Therapy might help but you both have to want the marriage to work. To me separation is probably the best route to go in order to let him figure out what means more to him his family or his sexual urges and fetishes. This can benefit you too by simply finding yourslf and to see if you will be able to trust and move on from this experience and be happy in your marriage. The healing takes time nothing is fixed over night so take your time to figure this one out. As for your friend of course she is taking it lightly she has nothing to lose you do ... you have a family. Id say that you need to cutt her from your lives if you intend to make your marriage work.
I am not saying what he did is right at all, but you guys opened that door when you began having 3 somes. I have always heard bad things happening to couples who do these things in a marriage. You are supposed only have sex with each other and bringing someone else into your bed is bound to cause problems. If you guys truly love each other work this out. Forgive each other and start your marriage over! But I would advise you not to do 3 some's again.
When children are involved it is usually better to try to "fix" whatever is wrong with the marriage. In the first place, the idea of a threesome is totally destructive to any marriage. If it was his idea originally, you may have a problem that cannot be solved and will need to divorce. He does not respect you and is not committed to the marriage. So sorry for the children involved, but you need to be the hero in this situation and take care of yourself and your children.
I am not going to bash you for your choices (no one deserves that), but I am going to give you some truth to this situation becasue you are asking for advice.
First of all I am 35 so this stuff isn't coming from a kid. I've been married and divorced twice and gone through a lot myself.
I can't believe you two decided to go into this area for sexual gratification. You gave permission for your husband to have sex with another woman (either in front of you or not it's still a risk). It was for you both to enjoy - not just one of you I suspect. However, if you lead a horse to water, you cannot make it drink but it might like the water so much it wants to keep drinking!! Did you not anticipate that could happen before making these choices?
Obviously you had rules. The rules have broken. The rules of marriage are pretty clear and that rule was broken from the get-go so I am not sure what you would expect to happen now.
I think
A) you need to cut ties with this so-called "friend" - honestly, she isn't your friend. She isn't his. You both need to let this "friend" go and never talk or see her again. Period.
C) I'd suggest you never embark in this again. You two have 3 kids. Were you thinking of them and what this type of thing could do to your marriage and to them as an end result? Again you were both being selfish for the sexual gratification of it. Nothing wrong with wanting to put a little "spice" in the marriage but when you bring a third party in you can't expect it to go exactly the way you want.
I've had a lot of friends who've gone through this before. One was an ex sister and brother in law (who brought in a third party after they had had two children together). To say sadly, but not entirely am I surprised, they are no longer married to each other. The story goes like this, the "friend" was allowed to sleep over. The husband and the "friend" had sex all night long while the "wife" eventually slept next to them alllllll night long. When the wife woke she found them still enjoying each other. That's pretty sick and I don't think I could EVER look at my husband the same way again if we ever did this sort of thing. I also don't think I could forgive myself either for allowing it to happen.
Honestly, I think you made your bed now you either have to lie in it - trying to find a way to salvage the marriage together (you are as much to blame as he is here - it wasn't a one person decision) or you need to take responsibility for the failure and let the marriage go (if you cannot forgive him and forget it to the point where you can never bring it up again, I suggest you let him go). But definitely the "friend" has to go no matter what. For both of you.
I'm sorry but I am not entirely surprised you are facing this now.
Good Luck.
Marital counseling sounds like it will be worth a shot for you. The idea of a threesome is never good when combined with marriage. And you can't assume you can trust the unmarried party, because they usually don't have anything to lose if they tell about the experience. I think you just need to re-evalute and reprioritize and give your marriage another chance.
fantasies are cool,but they should stay fantasies! I am just sorry that you both crossed that fine line,You said he is in therapy,are you? You need to go with him,and make this not only therapy on a one on one basis,but also together,if you are ever going to make it as a couple.Also drop the friend,after you agree about this,change your numbers and get on with your lives,you both made this decision,now you have to both fix it!!! You have children,if you have any love for each other work it out,sometimes it is real easy to run,it takes grown ups to work it .out.Just an opinion.I am sure you set ground rules,but think about this,we all have natural instincts,that sometimes overpower reality,it's how we handle the aftermath,that counts,and if we learn by not crossing the line again we grow.