Short Poem attempt , feedback please pretty please?

Lovely Miss Friendship in her long

floral dress striding around in her long

winter boots ,

Fragments of soft cotton touched her thighs

as she took every step in her stride,

her dreams were deep in the back of her skull

full of adventure , full of discovery , and accomplishment

about her future...'O, Lovely Miss Friendship

Dream ~dream ~dream .

In 1989 she's collecting small children from school

the chorus of dreams still cries inside her mind .

Comments

  • It's good. I'd keep in in the same verb tense and format it so it reads more easily.

    Lovely Miss Friendship,

    in her long floral dress,

    striding around in her long winter boots,

    Fragments of soft cotton touching her breast.

    She took every step in her stride,

    her dreams were deep in the back of her sighs,

    full of adventure, discovery and accomplishment

    rising in her future...'O, Lovely Miss Friendship

    Dream ~dream ~dream .

    In 1989 she's collecting small children

    from school and the chorus of dreams

    still cries inside her mind .

  • With further editing and re-write this could be a really wonderful offering. Ho-Ho-Ho it seems to me has done a tremendous editing job on this piece for you Caz, that simply cannot be improved upon. Very nicely penned!

  • Dreams not realized are still dreams. I like dreams, I do not like trying to fulfill. I like your words but question the use of "long" twice in short succession.

  • We all have dreams that failed to come to fruition but we still dream. good read

  • Why `pretty pretty` beg

    when you blatantly admit that you are old enough to steal?

    Neat poem.

  • Very nice descriptive motif you have composed.

    I remember none any better with such economy.

    You leave the reader plenty of "wiggle room", like a favorite

    old sweater.

    Congrat's

    -

Sign In or Register to comment.