Short Poem attempt , feedback please pretty please?
Lovely Miss Friendship in her long
floral dress striding around in her long
winter boots ,
Fragments of soft cotton touched her thighs
as she took every step in her stride,
her dreams were deep in the back of her skull
full of adventure , full of discovery , and accomplishment
about her future...'O, Lovely Miss Friendship
Dream ~dream ~dream .
In 1989 she's collecting small children from school
the chorus of dreams still cries inside her mind .
Comments
It's good. I'd keep in in the same verb tense and format it so it reads more easily.
Lovely Miss Friendship,
in her long floral dress,
striding around in her long winter boots,
Fragments of soft cotton touching her breast.
She took every step in her stride,
her dreams were deep in the back of her sighs,
full of adventure, discovery and accomplishment
rising in her future...'O, Lovely Miss Friendship
Dream ~dream ~dream .
In 1989 she's collecting small children
from school and the chorus of dreams
still cries inside her mind .
With further editing and re-write this could be a really wonderful offering. Ho-Ho-Ho it seems to me has done a tremendous editing job on this piece for you Caz, that simply cannot be improved upon. Very nicely penned!
Dreams not realized are still dreams. I like dreams, I do not like trying to fulfill. I like your words but question the use of "long" twice in short succession.
We all have dreams that failed to come to fruition but we still dream. good read
Why `pretty pretty` beg
when you blatantly admit that you are old enough to steal?
Neat poem.
Very nice descriptive motif you have composed.
I remember none any better with such economy.
You leave the reader plenty of "wiggle room", like a favorite
old sweater.
Congrat's
-