Grade my 2 1/2 page essay!!?
Hi. I just needs some grading help on my essay for class. Can someone (or more than one person) grade it? Thank you.
Very few people realize the true impact of product advertising, but the truth is that the modern consumer is severely affected and often subconsciously influenced by advertisements, especially if it is a quality and persuasive advertisement. But how does someone create such an effective advertisement? This is literally the million-dollar question, keeping the advertising industry exceedingly competitive and prosperous. Recently, Gillette released an advertisement for razors featuring Superman. The advertisement is set against a dark blue background; where a large photograph of Superman is covering the majority of the page. Superman’s facial expression is very serious and intense. To the right of the Superman photograph there are three different slogans; “He Can Walk Through Fire”, “He Can Melt Glaciers With His Eyes”, and “He Can Rip Through Metal With His Bare Hands.” On the bottom right corner there is the Gillette logo, along with the slogan, “The Best A Man Can Get”, beneath it. In a 1945 advertisement of Gillette razors, there is an image of a man in an army uniform between two showgirls who are scarcely dressed. The man and the showgirls are smiling. The slogan for it is, “Before another day goes by, give thrifty Thin Gillettes a try! You get smooth, easy shaves but quick- the kind that makes a guy look slick!” On the top corner there is a large image of a box of Gillette razor blades. Beneath that box it says, “Top quality at rock-bottom price”, along with the price of the razor blades. Both the 1945 Gillette advertisement and the Superman Gillettes advertisement appeals to the audience through it’s use of desirable concepts.
To sell men’s razors, the Gillette advertisement uses the image of Superman, comparing shaving with a Gillette razor to being a superhero. The intended message of the advertisement appears to be that if men are using Gillette razors, they are superheroes; just like Superman. The advertisement’s target audience is men who like the character Superman, and those who may even envy Superman because of his rugged bodybuilder's physique or his square hero's jaw. The three phrases, “He Can Walk Through Fire”, “He Can Melt Glaciers With His Eyes”, and “He Can Rip Through Metal With His Bare Hands”, all exhibit that Superman is strong and powerful. The slogan, “The Best A Man Can Get”, implies that not only is a Gillette razor the finest product for a man to use, but that it is fit to shave a superhero.
The 1945 Gillette advertisement suggests that the razors will make guys attractive; therefore, getting all the women. What man wouldn't want that? The advertisement also mentions that the blades are “Top quality at rock-bottom prices”. On the edge of the advertisement, it says that four blades are for ten cents. Even for the 1940’s that was still a remarkable deal. This ad uses the low price of the razor blades to appeal to the audience logically. This advertisement also contains emotional appeal. It articulates that the razors will give a striking shave, “the kind that makes a guy look slick”, and will attract women. The Superman advertisement also appeals to it’s audience emotionally. It appeals to both men, and women. The men who see it would want to be as superhero-like as they can be; and certainly, the women who see it would want their men to look like superheroes as well. Superman is a popular character with Americans. By using him in an advertisement such as Gillette razors, companies are more likely to connect with their audience through emotional appeal.
Analyzing and comparing both the 1945 Gillette advertisement and the Superman Gillette advertisement, is important because by evaluating and examining advertisements, one is able to understand how advertisements can have a way of making you want to purchase something, even though you most likely never even thought about purchasing it. Simply put, without analyzing commercials, you might wind up buying a lot of products you don't necessarily need, and wasting money on them. Analyzing advertisements allows one to understand deeply what the advertisement is trying to say, and whether the persuasion method being used is effective, efficient and whether you, and others, understand exactly what the advertisement is trying to say. This would also help other marketers and advertisers to sell a product. Through analyzing an advertisement, they have the ability to discover the weaknesses and try to eliminate them in order to have the ability to create a more persuasive campaign that will affect customers to a great extent.
Comments
"C+" at best, "B-"
(Remember, this is just my opinion and it should not affect any other decisions whatsoever)
Please add spaces between paragraphs, otherwise the reader can get lost and thus the read becomes tedious. The introduction (to be frank, I didn't know where the introduction ended), was incredibly short and did not sum up what I was about to read; in other words, I was not enthralled with the intro. I only saw one example within the essay that could've been succinct and thorough.
At the beginning of the first example, you had verbal diarrhea, "This is literally the million-dollar question, keeping the advertising industry exceedingly competitive and prosperous," rephrase the, "This is" part into a more powerful tone, "That's the million dollar question," would be a more ideal option. "keeping the advertising industry exceedingly competitive and prosperous" Should be removed or rephrased into a question, to reiterate the meaning behind the latter. Show, don't tell the reader that it's the, "million dollar question"
The beginning of the second example should be a lead up to the example and should not directly be exploited to the reader (this keeps them hooked). "To sell men’s razors, the Gillette advertisement uses the image of Superman" show, don't tell. Show what the advantages were if they used an ideal image in contrast with a person with a grimace expression.
In a formal essay, it is incredibly important to not write, "you" as it is almost directly "charging" the reader, and thus makes them less fond of the essay. Kudos to not using, "I" in your essay. The conclusion should've been more powerful. Although you did reiterate the thesis, you need to emphasise the importance of what you are writing, "so what???".
This essay has good vocabulary, good organization, and good sentence structure.
There are a few errors in grammar, but they do not take away from the readability of the essay.
However, the essay cannot get top marks because it is too shallow and too obvious. Large portions are devoted to mere descriptions of pictures, and the "analysis" sounds like it came from 9th grade class notes.
Furthermore, the entire thing collapsed at the end, with the (I presume) conclusion lamely explaining why it's important to analyze ads.
The author is content to let generalizations and vague words replace penetrating commentary and keen analysis.
There is a slight flavor of "padding" for word count throughout.
Suggestion: The author should reflect on the topic until he has developed something original and worthy to say about it -- something above the obvious, something that will repay the reader's time.
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Some grammatical errors:
> " ... the razors will make guys attractive; therefore, getting all the women."
> " ... it’s audience..."
> "... blue background; where a large photograph..."
> "It appeals to both men, and women."
Wordiness
"Through analyzing an advertisement, they have the ability to discover the weaknesses and try to eliminate them in order to have the ability to create a more persuasive campaign that will affect customers to a great extent."
(This is a lot of words to say such a little thing.)
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On a scale of 1- 5, this is a 3.
9 out of 10...some points repeatd otherwise good