I made a new poem please rate 1-100 thanks?
“Give it Up to Gain it All”
The happy life, a life molested
For this need for greed is being tested
And I see this sea of greedy chaos cursed
So through trial I seek within myself first
Because why should I conform to a society depressed
When most need getting their values addressed
How come lying and stealing somehow seem so appealing
Since it is in the end that we still are not seeing
That the content fly by with no need to try
And the rest feed off greed as they whine and cry
So I’m taking a stand of a life without vain
Because the popular view make’s all sane insane
For our sin corrupted will guide us astray
So fill your heart with the Lord that you may
Find peace on this earth and in Heaven some day
There is no truth that is truer than He
There is no truth truer, than He
Comments
5
25...but it could be a whole lot better if you tried. You're trying too hard to find rhymes when you should be concentrating on getting your thought across in a clearer manner. Sometimes rhymes help, sometimes they don't. This one probably falls into the latter catagory.
I hear your intent, but it's getting lost because the rhyme limits your ability to express it in a tight, concise way. Your vocabulary is extensive enough that you should try to do this again in free verse. Also, avoid repetitive lines and redundant phrases...like the last two lines.
I really think you can re-do this in free verse and that the outcome would be far superior. Be poetic in your descriptions, but don't try to rhyme...if a rhyme pops in naturally without making the line sound trite or obvious, then let it stay...but don't find words and try to fit them in just because they rhyme...you'll lose your focus if you do.
keep writing, I can hear a poem wanting to be written
I think it make absolutely fantastic lyrics to a rap or hip-hop type song, and to me, felt like it was moving somewhat musically just reading. With a good background (and a good voice), I'd give it a high 90. The sounds of the words really mesh well in my mind, and the ideas are not bad either.
As conventional poetry though, I can't say I'd give it more than about a 50 (Isn't bad, but isn't good either). In my opinion, to be good poetry, it has to be much more subtle. On an academic grading scale, I'd give it a C+. It just doesn't have the kind of story-book qualities or scenery and the poetic elements (irony, imagery, hyperbole, juxtoposition of ideas) that make good poetry (in my oppinion). Sorry.
65
45
Am being honest with you. My comments: no longer all love would properly be controlled and enjoyed. the shortcoming of time, hobby and a good number of different issues mean that no longer everybody's love is the comparable. additionally, you're saying love would properly be genuine or pretend, yet pretend love isn't love, that's considered as organic charm. in basic terms genuine love triumphs in this worldwide. . . additionally, attempt to place a pair extra of impressive yet yet basic and candy words cos the place there is love, there would desire to be sweetness and exhilaration and peace. somewhat of "put in your all", why no longer "provide it your appropriate shot". in any case, tis a competent poem. hmm provide you 70/one hundred. Kip it up. . .
97. I like it! Very thought-provoking message and good title! There is one spelling error - there should not be a apostrophe in "makes" - makes is a verb and doesn't need an apostrophe, as it's not a possessive or leaving something out.
7. please read john donne. if you want to use poetry as a podium for your sermons, do it effectively. leave moralizing to the priests, if you can't, do it discreetly. use symbols, metaphors. also, throw away useless adjectives, adverbs, and abstract nouns. remember that your reader have at least 5 senses, activate them.
readers are better off reading the bible for words of wisdom about life, salvation, and the like.
70 - sloppy meter
85. Not bad.