How do you deal with a miscarriage?
My husband and I decided to try for a baby. Weve been married for 5 years. I'm 28 and he's 36. We put off having a baby for a while so we could focus on our careers and our marriage before starting a family. I'm a surgeon and I know some might ask why I'm asking this question but I only deal with physical facts in my job. I got pregnant and we were soo happy. 8 weeks after getting pregnant I had a miscarriage and I'm unbelievably hurt by this. I know that miscarriages happen often and sometimes for unexplainable reason. I don't drink or smoke, I eat healthy, I exercise. My husband tells me it's not my fault but I think what's hurting me the most is that I'm what's considered to be a "perfect" carrier. I don't know how to deal with this burden. It is literally eating me alive. Please help me.
Comments
i am so sorry a loss at any stage in pregnancy is very hard, I lost my first baby at 39 weeks it was the worst thing I ever went through in my life, there is help out there I have made some great friends through babyloss forums as it is only people that have experienced such a loss that can truly understand. I wish you the best & hope you have your much wanted baby in your arms soon xx
You can never get over having a miscarriage I had one 3 years ago and still think of my little baby every day. The best thing you can do is think of it not being your time to have a baby and try again in a few months. Everything happens for a reason maybe the universe has something planned for you in the up and coming months
So sorry to hear of your loss. I've had two miscarriages; one happened before we had our first child and consequently hurt the most, and the second was a twin miscarriage in Sep 2012, which was after having 2 other children already and therefore this distracted us from the upset a little. It is a desperately disappointing and heart breaking time, and I really feel for you.
I think the hardest aspect of the having a miscarriage when you have no other children, is wondering if there was a fundamental problem with your body's ability to hold on to the pregnancy. As a medic you will know that it is very common for a woman to have a miscarriage at some point in her childbearing years; in the UK the statistic is that 1/4 of all women of perfect carrying age will have a miscarriage. However, it is very hard to be rational when human emotion and doubt are thrown into the mix. I am glad to say that after a period of grief and throwing myself into other areas of my life, I became pregnant again, and everything was just fine, although I worried an awful lot throughout that pregnancy.
Until you reach the point of having another baby, you are going to feel an element of emptiness and restlessness but you can deal with this effectively by talking openly with your husband, a close friend, and perhaps also a therapist. Therapy will help you to deal with your feelings to the extent that you will not only feel the benefit now, but you will also be reinforced to deal with the inevitable fear and anxiety that will come with your next pregnancy.
Finding a website that invites women who have miscarried to talk and exchange experiences, can also be very helpful as you suddenly realise how common mc is, which can make you feel a little less alone in your grief and in the sad experience you have been through. http://www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk/ is very good but there are many out there.
I think another very difficult issue that comes around is the massive disappointment that you encounter. No matter what stage of pregnancy you are at when you miscarry, you have become a mother in many ways, not least because of your protective instincts towards the child inside you, but also because of the shift in attitude towards your life choices, hopes, and aspirations. When you lose the baby - the source and motivation for all of those feelings - you can often feel like you have been cast into no man's land, so to speak, and it can be truly difficult to find an outlet for all of those built up feelings, and the excitement you had previously felt. The only way you can deal with this is to hold on to it all in a positive way, and see the culmination of all those feelings as being a work in progress that will take a little longer to realise than first expected. You WILL have all of the things you looked forward to when you first saw that positive pregnancy test, just not quite yet.
It is very important that you acknowledge the baby you were expecting as a loss to you and your husband, not in an overly dramatic way, but in a subtle but meaningful way that will allow you to accept what has happened, how much he or she was wanted, and how sad you both are that it couldn't happen when you had expected. Some plant a rose bush or small tree in their garden or local park, others prefer to find something more personal to them.
However you choose to deal with things, make sure you keep your husband in the loop as it can be so (understandably) easy to shut the dad out of your grief, feeling that you have the most right to feel the grief due to the physical loss you have experienced. In truth, it is just as hard for dads, as they struggle with many of the issues we do with regard to disappointment and loss, but they can find it harder to deal with because most of the focus is on the mum's grief. They also see their partner struggle with the physical and emotional pain, and don't always know how to help or be there for them. If you deal with it together, you will find it so much easier, and it will make your relationship stro ger in the ling run, which will be a huge benefit to your future child/children.
Very best wishes for now and the future. I hope you find your way through this.
Cry till you can no longer cry.
My husband and I tried for 8 years before falling pregnant. We honestly thought that 'God' was looking down at us. A month before I found out I was pregnant, we had booked into see an ivf specialist. Then I found out I was pregnant and it was like Gods gift to us. What followed was a little 'spotting' at 6 weeks. I still went to doctors to get this checked out, had ultrasound and no heartbeat was found. Doctor then told me I had miscarried. My heart dropped. I carried my baby in my tummy for another 2 weeks. One night I woke up with the worst pain. I went to the toilet and pushed. My fetus came out and landed in the toilet, I had to scoop it out as I could not flush it. That was on 21/1/2012. Life was all of a sudden meaningless. Everything around me became dark. I wanted to go with my baby, to care for my baby in heaven. I kept searching for a reason. I blamed my husband, I blamed myself, I blamed the people around me.
I never found my reason but I found my peace. I know that there was nothing wrong with me, my husband or the people around me. Sometimes bad things just happen. I still have my husband, my health and the people around me. Time heals pain and time makes miracles.
God closed all the doors but if you look closely, there is an open window.