Is this just paranoia?
- Personal back story-
I'm 19 years on December 31st, I go to a school where everyone talks to everyone and there arnt any of these "clicks" . Everyone around me smokes weed, Including myself.
My mom , my brother , all my friends as well as my boyfriend all smoke weed almost everyday.
I'm Bi polar and manic Depressive, Or so I'm told... I don't take medication because i believe it changes who you are in some ways.
I'm a multi talented artiest, interested in film editing, painting, drawing, design, Body modifications, hair styling. and a whole bunch of other crap.
Im usually the girl who laughs that loudest, Im out going and out spoken. I should think before i speak but people dont seem to mind because of my over all character.
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Why im telling you this is because i dont feel right, I know all too well of depression and anxiety but what im feeling right now is scaring me. And i dont want to talk to docters , and when i try and talk to friends it all comes out in pieces and doesnt describe my mind very well.
Im convinced all my friends are growing tired of me. My close friends have drifted and i understand this, but many times ive asked them to come over and drink or have a good time but they always say yes then dont even show up.
I feel like how im making myself look to people is wrong or awkward. And lately its turned into anger, I have such a negative mind set and i cant open my mouth without having a grouchy tone along with what i say.
Ive been having outbursts for no reason ( more so then usual)
And im having paranoid thoughts of my boyfriend doing cocaine and cheating on me as well as thoughts of people talking about me behind my back.
Usually all these things are just thoughts that never effected my life, but lately its been amplified and i find this mental state to be taking over my life, schooling and relationship.
It seems my mood is only stable again when i smoke weed, But ive been smoking it everyday for almost a year now.
I also have a history of using harder drugs but i have been clean for about a year ( When i quit i started smoking weed)
Comments
I don't take medication because i believe it changes who you are in some ways.
erm . . . think smoking weed also has an effect on personality
quit the weed for a bit its messing your head up mate
Well, I don't know you, but it seems this is all just a side effect of something, that's eating you up from the inside. Maybe it's just the uncertainty and sadness from the fact, that your friends are getting farther away from you. This all, if it is kept inside, can do wonders to one behaviour. You get grumpier, snap at people a lot sooner than before and similar stuff. This can be caused by stress from anything.
I am no psychologist, but to me this looks like stress related. I mean stress over a long time period slowly building inside you. Now you said you are bipolar and manic depressive and you don't take medication. Now this is something that puzzles me. I personally try to take as few medicaments as possible, as I don't like the idea that my body cannot handle things. But in your case, I get a hunch that you contradict yourself quite a bit here. You know you apparently have a problem and you realize it is most probably causing more problems for you in your relationships with others, yet you won't treat it medically and you won't speak with the friends extensively. Now I don't know what meds are usually used to treat these two states, but I don't believe they change you. And by the way if it is a problem for you to discuss this eye to eye, write an email...
What I would suggest is: call your closest friend, who knows you and try to explain him/her what you said here. Try to get an honest answer from him, what he thinks about it. I would actually do it with all of the friends, so they can understand your situation. Maybe then, they would not drift away. If you accomplish that, you will be calmer and maybe your paranoia and anger will weaken...
You sound a bit scatter brained.... I'd hop off the pot for a little while.