Videos of Absolute Despair?

I don't know why, but I'm fascinated with the idea of inconsolable anguish. Maybe I need help (I have a psychologist), but that's really none of your business.

I keep having this vision of a sweet, very naive, almost child-like teenage girl. She's seen a lot of hardship and even grown up in an abusive household, but somehow, she's just doesn't ever build up a thick emotional skin. Even though her constant dependence on others for a sense of identity has made her promiscuous (also, this is attributed to how ruled by her emotions she is), she is almost a perpetual virgin, an angel. The fact of the matter is that she's not too bright. She's unable to be touched by evil because she doesn't understand evil. Sure, she can get angry, but there's no autonomy in this. Once again, she's really a child.

But if there is one thing that rests on her, it's that she's at least smart enough to know she's not smart. To her, the big world around her is forever incomprehensible and really quite scary. Because this world could eat her alive, she's dependent on the kindness of those more intelligent around her. On top of that, she's dependent on them because she's insecure and fragile. And while her family (by which I mean her girlfriend and her roommate) are generally good people, she can sense that sometimes she is a pawn in a game they're all playing together, a game she's unable to learn the rules of. What's more, she knows she's a burden. She knows they get sick of how they always have to explain things to her, and how half the time, she won't understand. She knows about the tension it puts on them that if they stopped caring for her ever, she would be killed, and she has her own tension of always having to worry about a possible day they might abandon her anyway.

And she suffered in silence, not even really aware that this is how she felt. But one day, she realized how alone she had always felt when she met someone of her own "kind". When she was with him, he somehow took away all that fear and frustration, guilt and humiliation. And what he didn't get rid of, he suffered with right by her side. He knew what it was like to be labeled "the moron". And even though she was dumb, he showed her that part of the problem was just that she saw the world differently than everyone else; a lot of times, they didn't understand her as much as she didn't understand them, but he saw the world like she did, and for once, she could actually talk to someone about her ideas without being laughed at, argued with, or condescendingly humored.

In reality, they only spent a short amount of time together before they became separated, and the time they WERE with each other was largely wasted because he had badly betrayed her at one point, and she was having trouble forgiving him. But after they were apart for a while, she realized that not only did she forgive him, not only did she miss him, but she loved him. Her experimentation with fantasizing about him sexually quickly turned into complete loss of interest and even somewhat repulsion at intimacy with her girlfriend. She began to spend hours escaping the pain of her real life by daydreaming about a day where he and she could be together forever, even taking him on as an imaginary friend. After a fight with her girlfriend about it, she decided that she was going to go find him because they were soul mates.

The thing is that like I said, she's mentally a child, and as a result, her grasp on what's realistic is about as strong as a child's. A lot of their romantic growth took place in her own mind, and even if she hadn't made them out to be more than they were, there were still some serious problems with the fantasy life she had planned for them, namely that in reality, they could never have sex. But the real tragedy is that she never WOULD find out how much of it was real. He died to save her life before they ever got a chance to talk again. The truth is that her friends and family were the ones responsible for this, but they lied to her for her own emotional protection and told her that it was a self-sacrifice.

And THAT'S the narrative that's important: That in her mind, his undying love for her was real. He really was her soul mate after all. AND HE'S DEAD NOW. What's worse, even though she doesn't know the whole story, she knows that her girlfriend played a part in his death. Her girlfriend was the one who held her down and prevented her from giving up her life in his place. She can't talk to the guy she'd been regarding as a father figure about it because the guy sounds like HIM. And as far as the roommate, he's barely ever even been a friend to her. She can't talk to anyone. She doesn't WANT to talk to anyone. She wants to talk to HIM, but she can't because HE'S DEAD!

So I have this really disturbing vision of this sweet, innocent, defenseless girl locked in her room, unable to get out of bed, just paralyzed with despair, sobbing uncontrollably the entire day that her one true love is gone forever. And for some reason, I want to see a YouTube video of this. I’m not a sadist, if anything more like a masochist. But I just think there would be something cathartic about actually facing this horrible vision that plagues my mind from time to time. Loved ones die all the time, people we think we can’t live without, and in this f-ed up world, someone must have caught a piece of it on camera at some point. I’m sorry; I don’t know why I typed this. The more I try to explain, the more I realize how unwell I am. But I just want to know what it looks like, the epitome of inconsolability...