PTSD Childhood Trauma?
I had a bad childhood; I live in a bad neighborhood, was exposed to extreme levels of violence, was quiet and shy but had to act and be something I'm not to survive. My dad was a victim of a violent crime when I was 8 and left paralyzed which destroyed my family; I had to grow up very fast and early and my childhood and innocense were taken from me at too early an age. As an adult I'm angry and sad alot and prefer to be alone because I have difficulty with trust and intimacy and whenever I hear about something that reminds me of my sad childhood I get very angry and mad at the world. Do I have PTSD?
Update:Also, my Mom is close to death with a brain tumor; she became deaf and blind this summer and now she's comatose and I'm literally just waiting for that phone call. I can't sleep or eat properly, and have developed bad anxiety. I literally feel like my world is falling apart; I'm VERY close to her and it is killing me to see her like she is in addition to everything else.
Update 3:Thank you Shaneri; and I actually do write down/journal my thoughts in great detail, and I find it helps immensely.
Comments
I know your pain. I have PTSD myself and often do get angry when I smell something or see something from my past that just sets me off. It's a good idea to see a therapist and not a bad idea to go see someone about some medication. I take ambien for sleep at night and let me tell you...that med works wonderful! I can't explain how it feels but all I can say that it blocks your worries at night so you can sleep worry free and wakeup refreshed to face more bad days. The doctor's want to make sure I sleep since I've had such a long time so they let me take ambien everynight as long as I need it
Sleep is very good with peopl with PTSD. I bet that you have had aot of sleeples nights just thinking about all that's happening around you and sometimes you just say to yourself "I wish i could just die or shoot myself". You can also take some antianxiety meds like xanax, valium(the strongest of the meds that calms you down recommended for people with anxiety problems or PTSD or klonopin) an antidepressant would maybe be nessecary as well but you have to talk to your doctor and tell him/her what you told us in this question. they will help you. You can also see your family doc too because they can prescribe the medications I just described to you. good luck with everything and please ask the doctor for a sleep medication so you can have a vey restful sleep. You have earned it!
I know how you are feeling- the first 20 or so years of my life (particularly my school years) is something I don't really want or like to think about. I am a shy person with low self esteem and for most of my school years I was afraid to open up to people and as a result had very few friends. I developed low self esteem because whenever I try and do something, things either go wrong, I don't do something right or didn't go as well as expected (eg school results) and I get scolded or ridiculed for it (Most people I know have high expectations of me and expect me to be perfect, beautiful, sociable, highly capable etc). I also have unequal vision (left eye is perfect and right eye is just bad) and I don't use glasses as often as I should because I'm afraid people will make comments and even scold me for needing them- (this has happened to me before and I'm still angry and annoyed about it- everywhere you looked you see people who use them and you juust can't!)- I just know that I ought to do something about it (I don't want my right eye to get worse) but I just don't know what to due to fear of being ridiculed or scolded.
Even now I still feel shy, insecure and sad at times (especially when thinking about past experiences) but I force myself to go forward because I want to have a happy and successful future and be self confident. If I were you I would try talking to someone about your problems and try to view the world in a positive way. Also things tend to get better as time goes by. Other things to consider is doing things like yoga, meditation, reading inspirational and self-help books or doing something that you enjoy.
PTSD is addressed in sections 33 -34. at ezy build, below, and you can do a screening quiz. Anger: A selection of treatments follow: If you can't deal with it by using one of the techniques, such as counting backwards from 20, to 1, (and prevent yourself from making yourself angry, in the first place) is important to express that anger appropriately, at the time, and to the person who caused it, if possible, or immediately afterwards. If not, maybe by walking away later, and bellowing your rage and/or frustration. In some situations, such as work, or school, it might be better to cover your mouth with a cupped hand, bandanna/handkerchief, or use the crook of your elbow, to muffle the sound. Some people find that it helps to journal those thoughts, and emotions soon afterwards.
Anger, which is repressed, rather than healthily expressed, tends to fester, and later may cause explosive fits of rage, or depression. Let yourself feel the burning energy of that anger, and visualise it, as vividly as possible, as a hot flame cleansing you. It can help to have someone you can talk to. For more physically inclined people, a punching bag, or hitting your pillow, can be an effective release mechanism: visualise, as vividly as you can, that you are striking back at the cause of that anger. "But next time, when you get mad, just remember this quote: 'Those who anger you, conquer you.' It's basically saying that when you give someone the power to make you mad, or let it get to you, it's like they're controlling you.
When I realized that, it made me mad, so I try to control my anger and not let people see it. You can still control your anger without being walked all over. You just have to draw a line." Try saying to yourself, in your mind: "I am fire! I am ice!". Repeat for as long as it takes for you to calm down sufficiently. Anger management is addressed in much more detail than can be included here, in section 4, at http://www.ezy-build.net.nz/~shaneris and practice daily, one of the relaxation methods in section 2, 2.c, 11, or 2.i
A variant of Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing therapy, which has been used successfully for those people suffering from anxiety: it is easily learned, quick to use, yet can be very effective, is on page N, of section 6, and I use it before the relaxation techniques, because I have found that it makes them quicker to employ, and more effective. These will enable you to emotionally centre yourself, when practiced regularly. Yoga, and/or T'ai Chi may also help you become a calmer, more self controlled person, who is less influenced by the behaviour of others.
I suspect a degree of depression, so take the quiz; if confirmed, view section 2, page R first, then male depression. You have had to be strong to survive, and probably been taught that a man solves his own problems, and doesn't ask for help, but this requires specialised knowledge, which takes a fair while to amass, so you need to adopt a new position, to get through this. Contact your county/local mental health agency, and find out what help they can offer. Psychological counselling, with a sliding scale, based on income, is available through many religious organisations, such as Catholic counselling, the Methodist church, and the Unitarian Universalists. You don't have to be a member/believer. (U.S.A.) Try phoning 411, and Google: "clinics; mhmr; (your city); (your state)" AT: http://www.freeonlinetherapy.net/ the first 20 minutes is free.
When love and hope is lost, do not bow your head in sadness; instead keep your head up high and gaze into heaven for that is where your broken heart has been sent to heal.