Disrespectful kids help!?
Is this just a stage or is it because my kids are Terrible? They refuse to do chores. Are making unacceptable grades and have been lying. What should I do?!! It needs to be a harsh punishment because they and 10,13,and 15..got any ideas?'
Comments
Punishments do NOT work. by the time a child is 10 or 11 you should have a good enough relationship that you can talk about anything, and come to compromises or mutually accepted solutions to any problem that occurs.
If they are behaving in these passive aggressive ways as teens, it suggests that you may have used 'punishments' (or, worse, hit them) when they were younger - in which case, this is what you should expect. The only way out is to fill up their emotional tanks with hugs, reassurances, quality time and listening, which could take several weeks depending on how badly damaged they have been.
Then deal with each situation depending on its merit and consequences.
School grades are nothing to do with parents, if you have delegated your educational responsibiliites to a school. It's between your kids and their teachers. If they get bad grades, they may miss out on future career or university options - but it's their lives, not yours. They should be able to make those choices without any pressure from home.
Lying beyond the age of about 8 is a sign that they do not trust you, and fear you - again, this suggests that you may have driven a wedge into your relationship in the past by using punishment, rather than walking alongside them and giving loving guidance. If you have ever told them any lies - even white lies - then you have no moral high ground - all you can do is talk to them, clear the way for a better relationship in the future, and let them know why it's important to be truthful.
As for chores - those should be mutually agreed, and beneficial to all. There are usually natural consequences that can apply... such as having to wear dirty, crumpled clothes if they don't deal with their laundry, or having to eat late if they don't set the table. Most teens are working so hard at school that they're not expected to do more than a few basic chores, so you may need to sit down with them and discuss what's reasonable.
Above all, if you want your children to respect you, you must give them your respect. All the time.
Ashley,
We are glad that you reached out today. You are experiencing some major challenges with your children The most important aspect of dealing with your children's behavior is consistency. First of all, determine what behavior is acceptable and what is not. This would include chores, grades, and honesty. Based on this discussion sit down with your children and outline very specific expectations and consequences if they do not comply with expectations. .
Ouline what chores each child will do. These must be accomplished before they are able to use telephones, computers, or games. They would also have to complete these tasks in order to go out with friends. You may want to write them down and post them so that the kids can see them.
Talk with your childrens' teachers and find out what is going on with their grades. If they are not turning in assignments, then set aside a specific time and place to complete homework. Communicate frequently with school so that you are getting progress reports on schoolwork. Some parents even send notes back and forth to the teachers.
If your children are dishonest then provide consequences. However, it is also important to praise them and provide positive consequences when they complete chores, have good grades, and are honest. Make sure you are providing very specific descriptions of both the positive and negative behaviors. You must be consistent in applying expectatons and consequences in order to see positive results.
If you would like to talk more about this issuse call the Boys Town National Hotline, 24/7, at 1-800-448-3000, or go to www.parenting.org. Take care.
NF, counselor
Yikes! You have to reel this behavior in now or you never will gain their respect. I would sit them down and remind them that they are old enough to contribute around the house. My kids are 11 & 13. I remind them that if they want my trust, going to hang out with friends or permission to be out of my sight, they need to show me they are responsible at home. You can take away phones,iPods, limit tv time. You may have to put your foot down on a punishment and FOLLOW through to get their attention. Kids always "need" something from you......rides or money. They have to realize once they are responsible they will get more trust and freedom when they deserve it. Good luck, it's not easy when kids are those ages.
Do what my brother does whenever I lie.. spank the crap out of there butts..and bare with a hairbrush.it'll straighten them out .
Ma'am you cant do anything about it. Just say fu,ck it and go smoke a joint. Im a 17 year old ****** and you cant do sh.it man.