Help! Stressful issue....?
This is a long and difficult situation and I just need some answers or advice because I'm tearing myself up inside. A relative of mine has not been diagnosed with any mental illness or disorders but something is definitely wrong with her to an extent. She will "behave" when she wants something or when she knows we are serious about making her leave our house, but many times she will talk continuously for hours about nothing in particular and it doesn't make any sense. She is quite abusive (verbally) and she never lets people sleep through the night. It's so hard because we love her and we want her to get help but she doesn't want to help herself. She caused so much distress in our family that we had to put her out of the house and get a restraining order. It's so hard because she doesn't have anywhere to go and I don't want her to have to suffer sitting on our porch in the heat and with mosquitoes throughout the night... but inviting her back in would mean that we approve of her disrespectful and selfish behavior. I am so stressed because I feel bad and I don't want her to live like this but are we supposed to sacrifice peace and calm and just a sense of safety? We have children living with us and it's not fair for them to have to be surrounded by such behavior. I know something is wrong with this family member, but I also know she manipulates people and tries to make them feel bad for her. I'm so stressed about this. How can I show her I mean business but still keep that humility peace? I am not a mean person and I hate to see someone go through this but I can't keep sacrificing my sanity for her. She is 27 years old. I am three years younger and I want to live my life. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind helping her if she would accept the help gratefully and not blame me for the choices she makes. It's really killing me to go through this. It's hard and I feel like I am the only one struggling with this. At times, it doesn't seem like she cares how she is treating others and making them feel. I know she is going through a rough time but I just can't do it anymore. It's not fair to any of us to have to sleep maybe 2 hours in a night because she was blasting music or singing or tapping someone on the shoulder to talk about things that are not real. I just refuse to do it anymore. I feel emotionally exhausted and I just really need some help with this. After we made her leave, she has not been loud or obnoxious. She has been calm and making sense. Because of that, I want to invite her in at least so she doesn't have to sleep but backing down from boundaries I feel will only make things worse. This is eating me up inside. I feel guilty and selfish and like a bad person for doing this but I think I would feel even worse if I had to endure another night of no rest and arguing. She partly makes me feel like this by saying random things about like I have it so good and she's the one who no one cares about. That hurts me because I care about her sooo much. But I cannot and will not let her affect my health and sanity. She continues to treat people like crap and act as if they owe her something. She is 27 years old. She needs to take responsibility for her actions and how she treats others. But I just keep going back to the fact that she is family and she shouldn't have to live like this. I'm so confused and torn and in emotional distress.
Comments
Have you let your family member know the things you've said here? (i.e. that you care about her, want her to be well, but that she can't stay with you because of her behaviour)
While you might want to provide her with a place to live, it doesn't seem as though she is getting any better when she's living there. While it may seem heartless to not allow her in your home, you obviously care about her and you're right - things would be worse if she continued to stay there especially since children are present. Keep in mind that if you allow your family member to stay, it also might send a message to the kids that the adults don't care about keeping them safe and healthy. Depending on the ages of the kids you could let them know that you love and care for this relative, but that it is too difficult to have her in your home.
Don't allow her to manipulate you when she says stuff like you have it so good and no one cares about her. Don't let her make you feel guilty for the choices *she* is making. If you want, you could put together a list of resources for her, including shelters, counselling, etc. If she chooses not to pursue it, that's her choice. When you start to feel bad about things, ask yourself what you would say to a friend in the same situation. Now say that same thing to yourself, and believe it.