A poetic prose, care to critique?
My montage. -
From your moth slip tender words.
Into my ears they travel,
like music with one instrument,
you.
Words are soothing
No need to sing.
Words spoken in hymnal
are manifested from your experiences.
Never hot like magma.
Your always in control.
Syllables flow,
like water into my vivacious pond.
We converse like two rivers crossing.
Communicate,
like two clouds in the sky melting.
You convey such salient sounds.
Your vibrancy is portable.
I carry where ever I may go.
If I dare tarry to long from you,
Your presence starts to fade.
My pond begins to become a wasteland.
My cloud becomes gray.
My river runs alone.
1.What do think?
2.And a bonus question: What is 'your' defination of purple prose?
Update:LMAO at MOTH! Wow, what a bummer.
Update 3:Why are some of my best answers getting thumbs down. Who is ever doing that is a dillweed.
Comments
1. Line one, there is a typo on 'mouth,' but I will rest assured that it was an accident...but Line 2 seems a bit incoherent, and since there is no real rhyme scheme you might want to play around with the word placement a bit. I would write it something like "travelling to my ears," but you're a better poet than I am; it's up to you.
Line 3 of Stanza 2 was a bit disappointing, and something seemed a bit off with the rhythm. For me, the use of the word 'hot' didn't really cut it, because there are so many other brilliant ways to describe molten rocks. You also had a minor grammatical mistake in Line 4 of the same stanza. Correctly, it should read "you're always in control." It is a contraction of "you are," right? Besides these trivialities, I really loved the use of your last two lines in this section.
Stanza 3: should there be a comma after 'we converse'? I think it would flow better, but again, it's your choice...similar to how I would've put a comma after 'sky' in Line 3.
Stanza 4: 'portable' was a bit of a stretch for me. I would have preferred a more elegant word choice, like "fluid," or even "mobile." The second line of this stanza was dull, and could've used more help from your vast vocabulary. Maybe put "that" before you continue with the sentence, for grammatical accuracy. Additionally, Line 3 should say "if I dare tarry too long from you," instead of 'to.' Finally, in Line 5, the alliteration of 'begins to become' clashes a bit harshly to suit the otherwise soothing nature of your poem. Maybe 'my pond begins to dry, a wasteland,' or something more suitable?
I enjoyed the repeated use of 'my' for the last three lines...your last line held significant emotion. Overall, this was a truly beautiful poem with just a few small grammatical errors. The offerings I made with regards to your diction and content do not need to be considered, especially if you're happy with what you've written. Great job! I won't rate it on a point system like you tend to, since I don't think I could do it properly. It left me thinking, so 'tis a success.
2. My definition of purple prose would be...over-the-top floweriness that sometimes takes away from the content of a poem, but otherwise adds excellent literary effect. This poem of yours would seem to be the latter; I appreciate you posting this.
I liked the mood it created. Here is the edited version.
From your mouth slip tender words.
Into my ears they travel,
like music with one instrument; (creates a longer pause)
you.
Words are soothing, (pause)
No need to sing.
Words spoken in hymnal
are manifested from your experiences.
Never hot like magma.
You're (needs to be a contraction) always in control.
Syllables flow,
like water into my vivacious pond.
We converse like two rivers crossing.
Communicate,
like two clouds in the sky melting.
You convey such salient sounds.
Your vibrancy is portable.
I carry it (they may forget what you are talking about) where ever I may go.
If I dare tarry too (wrong form of too) long from you,
Your presence starts to fade.
My pond begins to become a wasteland.
My cloud becomes gray.
My river runs alone.
I like how you returned to all the similes that you used in the previous stanzas. It creates a real image in my mind, and is like a continued simile. Good job! Overall, 9.1/10.0 (I took the errors into account).
All I can say, is just write.
I've no time for negative critics. They just make a living of other peoples work. Unless you buy a book/CD or whatever:
You don't merit the right to slate someone else's work.
However, if you go to a writers workshop, or contact an author, they are more likely to give practical advice, both on the good and bad points.
Still, be careful what you post unless you copyright. There are lots of plagiarists out there.
Good luck.
It has a band of brothers form experience skakespeare vibe. that is not a undesirable poem. Alot of the words you employ like foray, fray are french norman in beginning place. i might have possibly liked extra Anglo Saxon beginning place words to offer it a extra norse vibe. 'Ezra pound' has some Norse poems that do this with iambic pentameter.
1) Needs concrete details
2) Purple prose = pretentious, striving more for effect than expressing true emotions (did someone characterize yours this way?)
3) I do like your unique concept of a talking moth, though {~ :
im not a very good poem critiquer but i thought it was really good!! lol