Does physical beauty present a developmental challenge?
I'm getting up there in age, and I find that my life is easier in many ways than it was when I was younger. I am not afraid of learning new things, moving to new places, or getting tasks around the house done. However, I have a friend just a year or so older than I whose life seems to be falling apart, and things get more and more disordered and difficult as she ages. She was stunning - absolutely beautiful when she was younger. We are talking movie-star model whatever gorgeous, and talented too. She could (and still can) sing beautifully. While she has aged, she is still elegant and beautiful. I'm not so ugly that people would throw rocks at me, but I never had the advantages she did of attracting people and attention the way she did. Now, as we age, I wonder if having all the attention and help and adulation when she was younger is serving her badly as we get older. I have a certain expectation that I'm going to have to do some things myself, and she seems stuck because what she wants (a spouse who will take care of her car, an instant call back on a message to a Realtor or mechanic, many who will wait to do her bidding) is not what she always gets. I've been asking myself if her physical beauty was a developmental challenge because she never had to grow up and learn some kinds of coping skills when she was younger. She didn't have to work at getting things done because people naturally tended to help her do things. Have you seen this in your acquaintances or observed it in your own life? While physical beauty is clearly a reproductive advantage when we are young, might it serve us badly in our old age?
Update:*L* And for the fellow who thinks I am not being a friend to her when I wonder how we got to this point, with plane Karen stable and with my beautiful friend crying on the phone - you judge with very little evidence.
Update 3:Sled Dog - what makes you think that I think of it as a "race" of some sort? While I'm as enchanted as anyone else by her beauty, I'm also quite happy with what I have, and I am in not hurry to trade it in, let alone race to something else.
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Here's what I think: Any person, regardless of whether or not she is beautiful, who ties her happiness to looks and/or money will always be unhappy.
Though I do my best to surround myself with optimists and people who try to make the best of things, there is no denying that cynicism has pervaded our society. For a woman of the looks you are describing, every time she accomplishes things, people suggest to her that it was because of her looks.
"Oh, you got the job? Was it all men interviewing you?"
I'm not a supermodel, but I'll never forget a time in college when a male professor mistakenly recorded my grade as a "C" instead of an "A". I went with him to the office to have my record changed, and the secretary said, "Oh, a 'C' changed to an 'A', huh? Must be nice," with a nasty sneer and a knowing look that gave me some violent new ideas about stapler usage.
I'm sure the woman you speak of has had her accomplishments devalued in the same manner. If she has come to believe her looks are her happiness, she is in trouble.
You, on the other hand, are happier because you have learned that your marriage, your children, your former students, and your friendships are the most important. The best thing you could do is try to remind her of that.
Well, you have here an experiment with only one subject...which is known as an "anecdotal account." What you need is a real study with many subjects to answer this question. The problem, you see, with your analysis, is that many such women exist who are self-indulgent, impatient, expect to be treated with "special consideration," etc., who are not also beautiful. This syndrome of behavioral characteristics can be created from many factors and inputs to the developing child besides mere beauty.
Even quite plain girls are sometimes overindulged by parents. Or, they may come from very wealthy families where they had their own servants and got used to being "served." Or perhaps there is a "dominance gene" which predisposes some kids to be more assertive and demanding than others?
I doubt that her waning beauty will "serve her badly" as she ages, for she will retain much of it if she takes good care of herself. And, as has often been said, "There's no fool like an old fool!" So she will always have men to do her bidding. In fact, such beauties often accumulate great personal wealth as they move from rich husband to rich husband.
What she seems to lack is graciousness. But this is common in a nation such as the US where nobility has been sacrificed for egalitarianism.
So don't be too sure that you will someday surpass her in life's race to the finish line. Chances are that, in spite of some bitchy characteristics, she will stay in the lead.
I appologise but your friend seems like an imature brat. I definatly have to say that she had some poor development skills to think that she should have the things you described she wants. It's time for her to be independant and unfortunately with her getting everything she wanted when she was younger she has not learned this skill. She needs to wake up fast and you are the one that needs to help her do this. She needs someone close to let her know that at her age (I take it she is an "older" woman) she shouldn't be expecting people to wait on her hand and foot. It's disgraceful. I am 24 this year and am totally independant. I always have been since I was 17 and I am actually very attractive...I have never used my looks for anything. Not for a guy to buy me presents pay my bills fix things or even to buy me a drink...
For sure. As an ex male model who was with Elite, and a pretty boy throughout my younger years I could often get by on charm. With one proviso -- that the charm be directed where it was appreciated. What many who are not blessed with the gift/curse of beauty do not understand is that for all the advantages, there is also the constant threat of attack, either moral or even physical due to jealousy.
I shot photos of a young woman who began her modeling career at 15, which is pretty common. Her pictures came out in "GLAMOUR" and when they did the vehemence was so strong against her from her peers that she was forced to leave the High School she attended. In fact, her mother told me that by she had been forced to change her school three times until finally in her Senior year the mother let her drop out and go instead to work in Milan where the model agencies had been begging her to come.
But that did not stop the onslaught. The mother told me that because of the "reputation" the model-girl had earned through her success, that her little sister who was only 13 had to be taken out of Junior High because of constant attacks by the other adolescents there.
I know in my own life that since my own adolescence I have received any number of contusions and broken bones (arms, shoulder, nose more times than I can count), as well as having vicious rumors spread about me that have ranged from thievery, to hard drug addiction, and the most prevalent of all -- sexual delinquency and/or criminality. These have also affected my ability to earn a living with the fashion business itself, where gossip and character assassination are currency among model agencies and people in the business "looking to get ahead" on either side of the lens. And that does not even include the everyday shoves or insulting remarks that are thrown my way by casual passersby and strangers in the street.
What is so frustrating is not just facing this kind of stuff, but also the reaction of so many which is, "Why do these things keep happening to YOU? Why do you think YOU'RE so special that people would single you out? Maybe THAT'S you're problem!" When I try to offer that it might have something to do with my looks (or even the way that has, as you say, allowed me to learn to act), the answer is invariably, "What? I'M good looking, too! I'VE never had any of these problems!"
But to know the truth, go to the best source you can find. I once had a few Paris lunches with a girl named Clio Goldsmith. Not only was she at that time the ingenue star-of-choice in the movie industry and VOGUE because of her overwhelming beauty; she was also the niece and heir to Sir James Goldsmith's fortune, measured in billions. Clio was so intelligent and well-educated that conversation with her (in her perfectly clipped Oxbridge accent, of course, which she let be a little bedraggled the way the super-rich do their hair) -- her conversation sounded like paragraphs written by Lawrence Durrell or Graham Greene.
Once, she looked up at me from her Steak Tartare in the Brasserie Lipp (where there was ALWAYS a table free for her) and said spontaneously, "You know; the more beautiful you are, the richer you are -- the more they hate you."
Lets get things in perspective, come on, this is by no logical means generally applicable. Its demeaning to women when one creates this panacea that assumes all beautiful women are so
dependent on the attention they get or got to be independent now or later. Its as if women only live their lives for men and without them, they crumble and fall. Go think again and come back with something more sensible than this, it must be true what they say about women being their own kind worst enemy, when they are those like you around.
when I met my husband it were 35 years considering I final observed him. He replaced right into a senior in intense college and that i replaced right into a Junior. notwithstanding we the two had crushes on one yet another he by no potential have been given around to asking me out. He married and moved out of city. I married and remained on the city. jointly as attending my 35 12 months classification reunion this bald headed guy with a Buddha abdomen walked as much as me and pronounced, "hi! Do you undergo in recommendations me?" I informed him I incredibly did no longer yet I knew his smile. when I observed his call tag and found out who he replaced into my legs actually went limp and my coronary heart started racing. nevertheless what hair he had replaced into gray and he had gained weight, his surprising character shone with the aid of. 2 years latter we've been married. every time i seem at him I nonetheless see the best-looking, tall youthful guy with lots of brown wavy hair and a appealing smile.
Not necessarily. It's all based on an ability to adjust. It sounds like she's adjusting poorly to aging and not changing her behavior appropriately. It's the same as the star quarterback in high school who constantly wants to relive his "glory days." It's all about how we adjust to the changes in our lives. She needs to see the reality in the present and not live in the past. That's all.
perhaps. beauty isn't everything but beautiful peopel tend to lack character, and personality because they rely too much on their appearance.