seriuos advice needed..........
Hi, please, I need some advice.
I broke up with the father of my children 2 years ago. i do not love him, and i don't even like him. But yesterday i had to go to my brothers wedding, where my ex was also a guest. He was there with his pregnant gf, who i have nothing against. My ex has recently started to upset our children, to the point of telling them I don't love them, i took the decision and decided the children would not stay the night with him until i found out what was upsetting my children so much when they are with him. They have now been referred to an educational psychologist........which my ex seems oblivious to and not concerned about his children. I had been dreading my bros wedding for weeks - to the point of feeling sick at having to even been in the vicinity of my ex. I could not stand the thought of seeing my family - who behind his back had not condoned his behaviour at all but then at the wedding, shook his hand and made conversation with him...........this is making me so sad at the moment. i would like some advice on how i can get over these feelings of absolute hate and resentment, and how when i get a text of a phone call from him about the children, I can avoid the feeling of nausea and panic..................
obviously this story is a lot more involved and detailed that i could write on this page!!
Thanks.
Comments
I've witnessed this type of behaviour before. And it most always comes from men, they don't seem to understand what psychological damage means. Some men have no concept of a childs psychological being.
Fact is, that he still loves you and has turned it into hate instead of dealing with it. The girlfriend and child, pitifly enough, is too get even with you and not for reasons of love.
She too, will have left before 3yrs has past, because he treats her and will treat the child, no better than he does his children.
You did not mention the age of your kids, but if there old enough to understand, even if not, sit them down and explain that dad is very angry at you, not them. Tell them that what he is doing is very wrong and that sometimes adults don't always do the right thing or think like an adult should.
Make sure to discuss how much you do love them, how you would do anything for them and how nothing they could say or do will ever change that. And that dad is just very angry and trying to hurt your feeling through them, tell them he really does love them underneath all that anger.
Tell them that if it gets too hurtful for them to visit anymore, and they do not wish to go with him to visit at his house, they are too tell you.
Be sure, to tell them a couple of times a day, how much you love them, so it becomes an automatic voice/thought, when he says the opposite.
This does work, and the children will turn on him rather than you in the future. Studies of adult children show they turn on the one who does "all the filth talk" about the other. So do not do it too him.
If you need to take it futher, it can be taken to court. I would keep copies of all texts and calls taped if he is harrassing or rude. Your entitled to copie's of all Psych. data on the kids, but don't ask untill it's neccessary.
As for your state, two yrs is far too long to for anyone's mind or body to be dealing with this type of stress, talk to your doctor about your physical or mental condition at having to deal with the ex. I know you don't want to take meds, but they are needed before you develope serious health problems, anxiety attacks, and the kids will suffer for it, etc.
The smallest of doses will help and not hinder your abilities or thoughts, you'll be so glad you did, once you feel the difference it makes in your daily life, and it need not be for long, but your body and mind obviously need the help right now. Your no good to your kids sick and that's what will happen if this continues.
Your kids will pull through fine as long as they have your assurance of love and your smiles and your healthy, as you know kids are pretty smart and will pick up on the unhappiness and bad health, you don't need them worrying about you.
You take care now, i'll be wishing the best for you and the kids. Do see a doctor and put some of this too rest.
If you do love your children and if they feel your love every day, they will know in their little hearts that he is full of crap and he will eventually reap what he has sown. Don't make the mistake of trying to turn them against him...his actions will do that anyway if you have patience and let well enough alone.
Focus on being a good mother and don't let hatred poison your heart and mind..because it will. Remember this man is not well, his actions suggest that he has serious emotional problems. If he doesn't address his issues, they will, in time, lead to his destruction. That is his problem and no concern of yours of course. You dedicate yourself to maintaining a nurturing environmant for your children....and for yourself.
It is sad that your family will take your side one moment and then when they see him be nice to him. They should just be cordial so they are polite, but that's it.
Just keep your mind on your children. Forget about him as a person & just as the father of your children. If he doesn stuff to upset the children talk to him about it, but end it there. It's okay to be angry & upset with him about his attitude & behavior.
You cannot change the past.
But your attitude is in your control
Feelings of anger, hate, etc screw you up but do not affect the one against whom they are directed.
Set yourself free. Refuse to tie yourself to that past
NOW is the time that counts
Vengeance is for God not for you..Pray about what you can't change...and forgive so that you will be forgiven..I pray the best for you and your kids...what goes around comes around ..its a little word called Karma!
Just remember and think about your kids... Try to be civil just for them you dont want to lose it in front of them. If they don't want to go with there father then don't force them. Just stay calm and remember you kill them with kindness.
I'm sorry bout your ex but time will heal.Hold your head up and be there for your children,its all you can do. x