Does this paragraph grab you?
Four. Three. Two. One. Me and she and I and her and him and he and they and us. Now I’ve told you; don’t complain. It’s always been and will always be that way from here on out. You just need to recognize and remember it that. It’s me and she and I and her and him and he and they and us. One. Two. Three. Four. I won’t tell you again.
I'm trying out an opening for a new piece. Thoughts? Ideas? Suggestions? (I'm going to write more traditionally and with less (drama) confusion as I go on.)
Comments
It is too vague and doesn't catch my interest. Now if it was blurb on the back of a book surrounded by the words "Detective Marscap walked up to the gruesome scene, the ME handed him a set of plastic gloves and then the note on sky blue paper. He read the neat block writing of the twisted poem..."
Then I'd think oooo interesting a killer with some weird riddle thing going on. That might get me to open the book.
I'm sorry but it doesn't grab me at all. It tells me nothing about place, characters or storyline. There is no mystery and no drama and it does sound very confusing. I can't help with an opening because I have no idea what it is you are going to write about. Having said that good luck with your writing and keep trying.
YES, it gets my interest. Providing you get to the 'less drama and confusion' part rather quickly.
Interest will pall if this style goes on for more than a few sentences. Two or three lines, max.
Honestly, no. It leaves me having no idea of what you are talking about, and gives me no reason to care. At first I thought it was a Dr. Seuss poem, then realized it was something else. For it to grab me, I would quickly need some reason or information to put some sense to what is being said.
When I started reading it, I felt like it was going to rhyme, but then it didn't...and so when I realized I needed to concentrate more on what you wrote (as opposed to a rhyme which would have had a flow) then it lost me.
It grabed then lost me after about 2 secs, you can do better work