How do you manage a culturally diverse family?
As my wedding date approaches, I think of this often. I am a black woman who is marrying a white man who already has two black children, and I have one of my own. My son tends to act out a negative black stereotype which scares me because so many black men end up in jail, and he was not raised to be this way. My fiance's children are much more balanced probably because he has always been very active in their lives though they live with their mother. My son's father left before he was born.
I am very concerned that my son and my fiance will have clashes because my son, for whatever reason, has adopted this behavior pattern despite all of my efforts to give him the tools that he needs to be successful. I have tried everything that I know how to do to try to influence my son's behavior, but he seems determined to follow a pattern that has trapped so many black young men, even though I have done all that I know how to do to combat that negative behavior. What shall I do???
Comments
Hi Kitten,
I too am a female who has had to raise her son on her own. We were married and when he found out I was pregnant, he flew the coop so to speak. Oh sure he's been back and forth with me in a pitiful attemp to make us "the ideal all american family", but it never works out. He either gets arrested (AGAIN), or has some other lame @ss excuse(I forgot to mention he's white, not sure if that helps or not).
I don't think it's because your soon to be husband is "white". It may be because he feels like someone is trying to "take his mother away". My son does the same thing. Doesn't matter what race of male I have introduced him too(there's only been 3 serious(or I thought were serious at the time) relationships I have had since my son was born. His dad is currently serving a year sentence in jail for being an idiot(long story).
Just make sure you tell him that nothing is changing, you will always be there for him no matter what!
He may also "feel threatened" by having a male roll model in his life since he's "always been the man of the house".
I'm just shooting from the hip here since this is what I go through, hence my son still refuses to let me date because "daddy may come home someday and we'll be a happy family"(*insert rolled eyes here*)(he's 8).
Also another idea, Have your fiance' take up some stuff that interest your son wether it be computers, skating, music, whatever 14 year olds are into now.
Also, Sit your son down and have a serious one on one conversation with him telling him that he's on a path to self destruction and he's either going to end up in jail/prison or even DEAD!(*throw in a few tears, that usually works with my son, you know how boys love their ma ma's!!! *smile*)
I hope this helps you in some way Kitten. Keep me posted if you can. Take care sweety!!!!
Hugs, Patricia
Tell him how much you love him. tell him how much you will miss him if he goes to jail or gets killed following the path he is on now. He is young, and as such, like all people his age he is 10ft tall and bullet proof, and he will live forever in his thinking. You can't change that. Only he can. All you can do is love him. It surprizes me how many people go through life with the attitude of "it's because I'm ______ (fill in blank)!" And it's ALL races that have people like that, so then whats really the problem? We need both parents, to grow the way we should.Without a proper roll model in his life at the right time, his father may have doomed his son to follow in his footsteps as an irresponsible adult. You need to share this with your son, so that he can decide for himself if he wants to go that route, or to be a better man, a better son, and some day, a better father than he was given a chance to know when he was growing up.
Being in this new relationship may help him let the husband see what he can do and depending on his age maybe he needs stricter guidelines in his life and something else to look forward to in the future so he won't go to jail. If he is the older one then he can help by being a big brother and setting the example for them. There are alot of programs out there to keep them out of trouble look in to one before it is too late. Concerned parents make a difference, you both can do it, just believe you can and believe he can and you all will succeed.
The State of Israel does not "persecute" Christians fraudulently posing as Jews and despite the fact that the account was suspended for violation of Terms of Service and the antisemitic attacks on this forum, I am astonished that Yahoo did not also appropriately remove the antisemitic rant it posted here and the one it chose. While the user who was suspended with this account still spams antisemitism under other screen names, this q should have gone the way of the account it was using then, too.
Have your husband help you give him some TOUGH LOVE. And if those kids are your husbands biological children, then they are BIRACIAL, not black.
I feel sorry for you but have a happy marriage.