Is this problem my fault?
Okay, I need some adivce. I need to stop beating myself up about this. I really shouldn't spend time by myself thinking about things.
At the end of last year I spent the last few weeks helping a favourite teacher of mine clean out his classroom before he left (redundancy). It was the 3rd to last day and we were cleaning the room out and we in his cupboard and I was a bit stressed and I was just chatting.
He'd always given me good advice, he's always been kind, the whole 4 years I'd been there.
Anyway, he told me he'd been having "inapropriate thoughts" about me. And that, I didn't behave like a tenager, and he didn't think of me as one. He said "I'll keep your secret (I'd told him I was a lesbian) if you keep mine". I agreed.
I was shocked, needless to say.
I breifly spoke to a friend about this, she agreed this was really weird.
I didn't tell my parents that night, I preteneded nothing had happened, and I went in to help him the next day. I had promised I would. So, I asked a male friend of mine whether he would pop in and help out too. He did.
At lunch time, the teacher asked if he could talk, and I felt awkward at saying no, so I went with him to have a chat. He asked me if I hated him, I said no. He told me he cared about me too much, but nothing would ever happen as he loved his wife too much. And I'm a lesbian.
At this point I couldn't hold it together and I just left, I walked out of school and phoned my mum, crying, she came to pick me up and I explained what had happened. She phoned my dad and they spoke about what to do.
I didn't want to do anything, I cared about this teacher, he had been very good to me. And my parents decided, as he was leaving, we'd do nothing.
But now, I feel so guilty.
I feel awful for hating him after what he'd done for me. And I feel awful for not hating him for telling me that. I also feel really guilty that he felt that way about me. He'd said that I didn'tr act like a teen, and I feel really guilty for making him think of me in that way.
I don't know what I should feel. And I am sorry for troubling you guys, but, it's nearly 2 in the morning, I'm thinking too much and I'm just getting stressed about it.
Update:Desmeran- No, no, I was just saying. I know you didn't mean it in a cruel way. I understand what you mean. Seriously, some of the questions in here make me a little sick in my mouth. I don't understand why some people post them or make them up.
I just wanted a few opinions, sometimes it does make a difference to how you feel. Just to be told it's okay to feel like that.
Comments
You didn't make him think anything. *He* chose to let those thoughts in and tell you about them. You did the right thing by speaking up to your parents.
You saw him as a trusted adult. He let you down. This is not your fault sweetie. *hugs*
Don't allow this false guilt to consume you. I know you're not a religious type, but I'll pray for the situation for you. Even though we don't know each other, I still feel led to pray for this. I hope it gets better.
First off; realise your feelings towards this guy (don't think of him as a teacher as such). From what I heard, it sounded like you had relied on him, and that he has undoubtably helped you before. You like him, but as in a friend/comrad sorta way. You know that you are leabian and I'm guessing you didn't feel about him that way.
Next, look at the way he sees you and wants you. Do you see what's wrong here? No matter how good of a teacher or a friend he was, it doesn't give him the right to alienate you like that. You clearly stated that you were a leasbian and he could most likely tell you felt uncomfortable with the way he was acting, yet he carried on regardless. To then progress in such a matter in which it appeared that you had feelings back for him (by suggesting that only his wife keeps him away) is equally unfair - he was imposing or rather toying with the idea that you liked him back.
He is older and more mature, he should've reigned himself in when you clearly wanted to leave the situation - not proceed to list why he wanted your company. No matter what 'lust' he felt, it doesn't justify upsetting you so... And I don't think he didn't know what he was doing.
As for feeling guilty, just think about how he made you feel. Think about how you tried to back away, yet he persisted. Think about the way he showed disregard to your feelings and that of his wifes. But most importantly, remember you didn't do anything to induce this. By Acting mature, it doesn't mean that he is allowed to assume you'd be welcoming to love from awkward places. As for that you feel awful for the things he did for you, remember you did a lot for him. You helped him when he was loosing his job, through alienation, through not hurting him even though he had upset you. You gave him a lot, more than you asked for in return. By taking the job as a teacher, he had responsibilities to teach you and help you, it was more of an obligation than perhaps a want. You didn't lead him on and it was his fault for wanting something you couldn't give. You may not be the first or the last whose heart has been touched by him - you'll have to grow with it. Someone will always an more than you give; they'll just have to learn.
For you this years a new start. Seize it... Don't worry over those who can't, or shouldn't, be helped.
No, this isn't your fault at all. Your teacher shouldn't have told you that. I think that is the only real "problem" here. He can't help how he feels, he didn't act on it (otherwise it would've been a big problem), but he certainly shouldn't have told you that.
I really don't think there is anything at all for you to feel guilty about. I would stop worrying about it. I would just keep a bit of distance from the teacher - it will be easier for both he and you.
Well, I know what I think....that his telling you that is totally creepy and inappropriate.
If he really felt that way he should have kept his thoughts to himself.
Since he did tell you, he may have been feeling you out to see if you would be willing to get involved with him, which is wrong.
You have no reason to feel guilty. His feelings are not your problem.
I don't know that I would do anything about it, since he did not actually do anything, but I would worry that he will, with some other student, in the future.
There s a reason he's leaving school. This incident probably happened a while back. Your safe. Don't feel guilty. He's the man that you should keep a distance from since student and teacher personal relationships are prohibited in all schools.
if that really happened, you did the right thing. he behaved totally inappropriately. you are free to "hate" him or not, without guilt either way: there's no right or wrong way to feel about it. but he messed up badly and you should absolutely not feel guilty. you handled it very well bringing a friend with you and telling your parents.
it's unclear from your post whether you're still in contact with him. you shouldn't be. do *not* be alone with him again, ever.
tell your parents or someone else who knows and loves you in the real world that you're still stressing out about it. they can be a better support than y!a.
*i apologize. i shouldn't have started my answer that way. the forum has made me paranoid since there are so many on here who, astoundingly, do make that stuff up. but i have absolutely no reason to believe you personally were making it up, and i wish i hadn't said that -- especially in a serious question like this. please attribute it to reflexive y!a instinct rather than malice. i'm sorry.
No It's Not Your Fault It's Sick Of Him Thinking And Feeling That Way Really.
Fist off you did not do anything to make him like you, you can't help that its not your fault, please don't blame yourself. you shouldn't feel guilty for just being yourself, you didn't lead him on or try to seduce him; he was the one that formed feelings for you. Its nothing you did, so don't feel guilty about that.
You also shouldn't feel awful for hating him, you can still appreciate what someone has done for you but dislike them for other things they did. And you don't need to hate him for what he told you, that is a difficult thing to handle being told especially from an adult role model we admire.
But please please don't feel guilty, you have every right to feel the way you do and it is not at all your fault he formed feelings for you. Its not right that he shared that with you because that is a lot for a younger girl to handel. Just please don't feel like it's your fault this happened because it really isn't.
I really hope this helped
Just let it go, he is gone and you don't have to deal with him anymore. Although he shouldn't have told you that he had feelings for you, he didn't take advantage of you either. Just use this experience not to let yourself be be talked to that way. If it happens again, firmly state that if the conversation doesn't stop, you will have to report him/her to your parents and school authority.
Never blame yourself. He is an adult and he knows what's appropriate. Sometimes, it feels good to blame someone else. I know that in cases like these, people feel like it's their faults, but unless you took your clothes off and tried to seduce him, you did nothing wrong. He knew you trusted him and he tried to take advantage of that. I hope that helped make you feel a little better.
So, my answer is, no, it's not your fault.